Crazyass Saga
by Lee3
Summary: Ilpalazzo asks a sort of friend to help Excel and Hyatt on their missions. (The ridculous Epilogue is Up)
1. Default Chapter

(In a room full of the anime cast of Excel-Saga and the Manga cast of Excel-Saga)

Lee3: Okay, does anyone know why you all are here?

Anime Excel: To beat up the manga cast of Real Bout High School?

Lee3: No, even though that was funny, kicking the shit out of them.

Manga Hyatt: To...(coughs up blood and dies)

Anime Hyatt: You're...(dies as well)

Lee3: I'll just answer to speed this up. I'm...

Anime Excel & Manga Excel: ...writing an Excel-Saga fanfic!

Lee3: (annoyed) Exactly (pulls the rope and A. Excel & M. Excel falls).

A. Excel: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

Lee3: This fic is off of the manga version so it's different from what most of the readers are used to reading.

A. Watanabe: What's the difference.

M. Watanabe: There are stories in the manga that the director didn't put in the anime.

Lee3: For instance, in the manga the dog's name is Mince not Menchi...though Menchi means minced meat in Japanese. There is no Great Will of Macrocosm or Nabeshin.

M. Matsuya: The Roppanmatsu's switch off instead of being together in the same place at the same time.

Lee3: Some of the events that have occurred in the anime have not or yet to occur in the manga. I'll let the readers know throughout the fic. Now I need to start the disclaimer so get going and take these deadheads with you (both casts leave carrying their respective Hyatts).

A. Excel & M. Excel: (climbs out of the hole) Can we help?

Lee3: Sure. I don't own Excel-Saga, but I do own the self-insert.

A. Excel & M. Excel: The following fic may insult your intelligence, make you laugh or flame the author.

Lee3: This is my first Excel-Saga fanfic so it may suck. If this fic sounds sarcastic don't take it seriously. If it offends you in any way (to all the sensitive people) don't take it seriously or just don't listen to the writing, which ever comes first. The first two chapters take place during Volume 7 the rest take place right after Volume 8. Oh and this expresses thought. Okay enough with the legal stuff...RUN IT!!!

Who is this Jackass

Excel: HAIL ILPALAZZO!!!

Hyatt: zzo.

Ilpalazzo: Awe, Excel, Hyatt I have noticed that your last failure was...how should I put it?

Excel: Crappy, sucked, not good?

Ilpalazzo: You hit the nail on the head Excel. Can you explain your failure this time?

Excel: Well sir Hyatt died again and...(Ilpalazzo pulls the rope and Excel falls) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! Hey what is...OH MY GOD, THIS PIT IS FULL OF COCKROACHES!!!

Hyatt: Um, sir?

Ilpalazzo: Yes Hyatt?

Hyatt: Isn't this the time where you explain the mission?

Ilpalazzo: I know, but I wanted to listen to Excel suffer for once.

Excel: (spraying and stomping the roaches) DIE RADIOACTIVE BUGS OF DEATH DIE!!!

(10 minutes later)

Excel: (finally out of the hole) I escaped the Bugs of Radioactivity sir (salutes).

Ilpalazzo: Well that aside, I'm bringing in someone to help our cause.

Excel: (semi-excited) So who is it?

Hyatt: Is it a friend of yours sir?

Ilpalazzo: You might say that (pushes a button). Now we just sit back and wait.

Excel: ButIcan'twaitmylordIwanttoknownownownownownownow (Ilpalazzo pulls the rope again and Excel falls) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Ilpalazzo: She really needs to calm down.

Hyatt: I agree sir.

(In another dimension a young college student from Bakersfield, California is watching TV.)

Lee: (finishes watching Excel-Saga) Damn, that episode was funny as hell, but I still think the manga is better. I would love to get the boxed set, but every time I get close to being able to purchase it, a need gets in my way and sets me back for another month! UUUUURRRRRGGGGHHHH, I CAN'T STAND IT (watch beeps)!!! IRIS patch the message through (a holographic version of Ilpalazzo appeared). Oh it's you what do you want?

(A/N: In this fic Lee knew Ilpalazzo before.)

Ilpalazzo: I need you to come and help my agents with their missions.

Lee: (unenthusiastic) Fine, I'll be right there.

IRIS: Terminating transmission.

Excel: (out of the hole) What now Ilpalazzo?

Ilpalazzo: He should be here in five, four, three, two (a distortion in time and space occurred and a tall black dude carrying a 12' Zambatoh-like sword with an Egyptian-like eye on it, appeared), one.

Lee: What do you want Ilpalazzo?

Ilpalazzo: I want you to assist my two cohorts Excel and Hyatt.

Lee: (looks at them) Yes, yes, I know about them, one is stupid and the other dies at the worst times.

Hyatt: I wonder who the stupid one is Senior?

Excel: Somehow, I think he means me.

Lee: (stoic) Exactly Excel.

Excel: (pissed) I'm not an idiot! In fact, is that anyway to talk to your senior?!

Lee: (eyes glow red and his voice sounds demonic) Senior? I am nobody's junior (the rope drops), do you understand (pulls the rope and Excel fall again)?

Excel: I REFUSE TOOOOOOOO!!!

Ilpalazzo: Lee, train them to be more efficient in our cause to conquer the city.

Lee: In order to do that I would have to make Excel smarter and Hyatt: less infatuated with death, less of a drug addict and to make her just plain healthier. If that is even possible. (Hyatt dies) Oh crap.

Excel: (climbs out of the pit) Well, it looks like you have your work cut out for you.

Lee: (pulls the rope and Excel falls again) I didn't ask for your input.

Ilpalazzo: Good luck to you.

Lee: Thanks, this might be fun after all.

To Be Continued

Antics: Intro

Excel: Antics, what is that?

Lee: Shorts that is author puts in at the end at the end of the chapter.

Excel: Are they supposed to be funny?

Lee: Yes.

Hyatt: Do they have anything to do with the main story?

Lee: No, but there are times where they will contribute to the main story. Besides, how this guy writes if you can't tell the difference YOU SUCK!!!!

Elgala: I, Elgala has a question.

Lee: What is it?

Elgala: Are you seeing anyone?

Lee: (stoic) I have never dated.

Elgala: How old are you?

Lee: (annoyed) Twenty. Now I have a question for you.

Elgala: What do you ask of Elgala?

Lee: What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be here until chapter three.

Elgala: Uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh, gotta go (runs off)!

Lee: Did I answer your questions, Excel, Hyatt?

Hyatt: Yes you di...(coughs up blood and dies)

Excel: Yes, thank you.

Lee: You're welcome.

Lee3: Okay that might have sucked or it might have not, you be the judge. For the record Elgala is owned by Rikdo Koshi, the creator of Excel-Saga, not me. One other difference between the manga and the anime is that in the anime the city is called F, but in the manga it's called by its real name Fukuoka. Review or flame if you want...I'm ready. See ya next time.


	2. Training: With Bombs

Excel: Well, that last chapter sucked.

Lee3: I guess I can't use asterisks for scene changes, since this format seems to omit them every time I use them.

Hyatt: So what will you do?

Lee3: Use the parenthesis for the scene changes.

Excel: What do you mean?

Lee3: You'll see.

Nyozeka: Hey, do you guys know where Alice is?

Lee3 & Excel: No, now get lost Rabbit girl (pulls a rope and a bunch of snakes fall from the ceiling)!

Nyozeka: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! SNAKES GET AWAY FROM ME (runs in terror while the snakes chase her)!!!

Lee3: She may be my favorite character in "Alice 19th", but that doesn't mean I want her here.

Excel: Uuuuuhhhhh, Lee?

Lee3: What (sees Excel pass out from being bitten by a Cobra)? Oh god (sees Hyatt dead). Better start on that disclaimer before I pass out or die.

I don't own Excel-Saga; if I did the manga/anime would go from making little sense to no sense. Nyozeka belongs to Yu Watase, but since she isn't in the main story, who gives a shit? I think that covers the legal crap. LET'S RUN THIS SHIT!!!

Training: With Bombs

(8:00am Excel and Hyatt's Apartment)

Lee: Hey Excel, did I tell you how nice this apartment is? _Even though I did hit my head 8 times_.

Excel: Yeah you did, and you also know just how cramp this apartment is. Wake up Ha-chan will ya?

Lee: Sure thing (walks over to the sleeping or dying Hyatt whose soul seems to be leaving her body a little bit at a time.) WAKE UP, BLOOD PUKER!!!!

Hyatt: (awakes as if nothing is wrong) Oh, is it morning already?

Lee: Yes Deadhead it is (Cell phone rings).

Hyatt: Is that your cell phone?

Lee: (sarcastic) You are very observant. (I glad I set the ringer to Equilibrium.) (Answers the phone) Yeah what is it? Yeah...okay...I got it...I'm sure they can handle this...okay...bye (hangs up).

Excel: What's up?

Lee: That was Ilpalazzo...we have an assignment.

Excel & Hyatt: REALLY?!

(Headquarters: 2 minutes later...don't ask.)

Lee: Yo, Ilpaldildo!

Ilpalazzo: Why do you always call me by that name?

Lee: Because I feel like it (Excel & Hyatt enters from the pit).

Excel: Hail Ilpalazzo (Hyatt coughs up blood and dies)!

Lee: Um, doesn't she get the "zzo" part out before dying?

Excel: Actually, she survives that and the briefing before (Excel falls into the pit) dyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!!

Lee: Why did you do that for?!

Ilpalazzo: (impersonates Lee) Felt like it.

Lee: (annoyed) Are you gonna impersonate me or get to the briefing?

Excel: (climbs out of the pit) Please, brief us Lord!

Ilpalazzo: You will go to this address (hands Lee the sheet of paper). Then you will blow up the building with this bomb (pulls the chord and a black box with mechanical legs falls in front of them).

Excel: (freaking out) Ohpleasedon'tpulltheropeIhaven't...

Lee: (pissed) YOU'RE NOT FALLING DUMBASS!!!!

Excel: Oh (regains what very little composure she has).

Lee: Yo Ilpalazzo, isn't that the bomb I used on that last mission I did for you?

Ilpalazzo: (nonchalant) I do believe it is.

Lee: But last time the mission failed miserably. I got caught in the explosion, got warped back to my dimension because of it, and this place nearly collapsed!

Ilpalazzo: Yes, but that won't happen this time, now go!

Lee: Fine (picks up the bomb, while Excel picks up Hyatt and departs).

(Through the streets of Fukuoka)

Excel: (laughing) So you blew up the wrong places?

Lee: (annoyed) It was only one failure. How many times have you and Hyatt failed?

Excel: (crying) I won't answer that.

Hyatt: (revives) Was it cheese?

Lee: What the hell are you talking about?

Hyatt: (clueless) Weren't you guys talking about food?

Excel: (drops Hyatt) No Ha-chan.

Lee: (looking at the map) This can't be right!

Excel: What's wrong?

Lee: These co ordinances have lead us to a Bakery.

Excel: Maybe the Bakery is evil.

Hyatt: I don't think so Senior.

Lee: Let's let the Robotic Bomb be the judge (drops the bomb, which walks to the side of the Bakery, stops, and arms itself).

Excel: Why does this feel familiar?

Hyatt: I think it's because we have done this a few time before Senior.

Lee: This feels like episodes 14 and 15, without the whole getting lost bit and the robot that beat up Roppanmatsu 2.

Excel: Lee, should we assume that we are at the right place?

Lee: Yes, the bomb was programmed to reach its destined target and arm itself to self-destruct.

Excel: How long until it blows up?

Lee: (smiles) 30 minutes.

Excel: (getting nervous) And... what is the blast radius?

Lee: (realizes something) Ten...miles...OH SHIT!!!

Hyatt: Were in the blast radius.

Lee & Excel: THANK YOU CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!!!!

Lee: (picks up Excel and Hyatt) Let's get the hell outta here (takes off at super speed)!

Excel: Do you have superpowers or something?

Lee: Yes, actually (looks at Hyatt). What's wrong with you, Hyatt?

Hyatt: Motion...Sickness!

Lee: Goddammit, is healthy even in your mind at all (Hyatt pukes blood all over Lee's shorts and then dies)? DAMMIT HYATT, THOSE WERE MY FAVORITE SHORTS!!!

(At the Department of City Security)

(Matsuya, Watanabe, and Sumiyoshi, are doing paperwork)

Iwata: (Bursts into the office) Everyone, Roppanmatsu 2 says there is a bomb 20 minutes from here!

Watanabe: Since when did you listen to what that robot girl says?

Matsuya: Wait a minute, another bomb?!

Iwata: Yeah, we gotta go!

Sumiyoshi: Where did all that valor come from?

Watanabe: Who knows...who cares? Let's just get over there.

(A/N: I know in the anime Sumiyoshi had subtitles. Well in the manga...he still had subtitles. So whatever lines I type in for the "Silent Bob Reject" are...you guessed it, subtitles.)

(At the Bombsite)

Roppanmatsu 2: (serious) This bomb will blow in 8 minutes.

Sumiyoshi: Does this seem familiar to anyone?

Watanabe: Yes it does (the bomb shows a projection of a hooded figure).

????: Ha, ha, ha, No man can diffuse this time bomb and by man I mean humans as a whole, so take that "women who think they can play the hero"!

Sumiyoshi: That projection was ingenious!

Matsuya: (annoyed) This is no time to be impressed, Sumiyoshi.

Roppanmatsu 2: (serious) Everyone, I'm going to diffuse the bomb, you guys get everyone and yourselves out of here!

Matsuya: Of course.

Watanabe: Did you get that Iwata...(sees a dust trail) he's gone.

Sumiyoshi: What's really weird is that everyone has ominously vanished.

Matsuya: We better do the same (everyone except Roppanmatsu 2 leaves).

Ropanmatsu 2: Okay, time to diffuse this thing.

????: It's too late.

Roppanmatsu 2: (starts tinkering with the bomb) Heat sensitive trigger: disconnected.

????: HUH??!

Roppanmatsu 2: Vibration Sensitive Trigger, Cold Sensitive Trigger, Horse Trigger and Cuss Sensitive Trigger: disconnected.

????: Damn, you're fast (all other triggers disconnected). Whoa!

(A/N: Cuss Sensitive Trigger?! Now you know I'm just throwing shit out there.)

Roppanmatsu 2: (cuts the red wire) That should it.

????: Congratulations, you diffused my bomb. I gotta hand it to ya, you're something else (confetti falls)!

Roppanmatsu 2: (jumps up and down) Oh, oh, what do I win, what do I win?!

????: A free explosion!

Roppanmatsu 2: That's what I'm talking about...hey wait a second (the bomb explodes, destroying the robot, but since she diffused most of the bomb the blast radius was significally weakened.)

(The Department of City Security)

Kabapu: Hello? What happened Watanabe...the bomb went off anyway...at least no one was hurt...she's a robot remember...you and the other should just take the rest of today off...bye (hangs up the phone). This is becoming a real nuisance.

(Back at Headquarters)

Excel: Do you have any idea if the planned worked?

Ilpalazzo: Yes Excel, it worked.

Excel: Yaaaaaaaay, we succeeded, which rarely ever happens because we always screw up (Ilpalazzo pulls the rope and you all know the rest) AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

Lee: I know there is a "but" or "however" coming on so I will just add to it. We blew up a Bakery dude, was that our intended target?

Ilpalazzo: Before Excel was rambling I was about to mention that the buildings around the Bakery were the intended targets.

Lee: What were those buildings?

Ilpalazzo: Police Stations, but since the blast was weak only one of the stations was destroyed.

Lee: But how is that a success? By all means that plan would be considered a failure.

Ilpalazzo: But we did destroy the person who tried to diffuse your bomb.

Lee: (partially angry) Someone tried to diffuse it?! So that's why the blast was just enough to take out one Bakery and one Police Building, instead of taking out everything within ten miles.

Ilpalazzo: All that aside, where is Agent Hyatt?

Excel: (climbs out of the pit) We dropped her off at the apartment. She won't be getting up for a while.

Ilpalazzo: Oh, then we have nothing to worry about.

Lee: If that's the case then I'm outta here (rips open the dimensional fabric).

Excel: You're going home already?

Lee: Hey, I'm starting college tomorrow, so I got to get back into the Circadian Rhythm of things. I'll see you guys in two weeks (walks into the rip, which closed behind him).

Excel: What a weird guy!

Ilpalazzo: Did you say something Excel?

Excel: (Freaked) No nothing!

To be Continued

Antics: Mince

Excel: (scolding Mince) Mince, you mustn't run around like that, I will make you skinny.

Lee: Muscle weighs more than fat, Excel.

Excel: Does it look like I care?

Lee: Is that a Rhetorical question?

Excel: Yes.

Hyatt: (shows up out of nowhere) Is it morning yet?

Lee & Excel: No, it's still the afternoon.

Hyatt: Oh (vomits blood all over the place and dies).

Lee: (frustrated) Awe shit!

Excel: Um, she always dies.

Lee: I know that, but she puked blood all over my favorite clothes!

Excel: So?

Lee: So? Maybe I don't want blood on my clothes. It makes me look like I killed somebody!

Excel: And that's a bad thing (Lee pulls on a rope that appears out of nowhere and you can figure out the rest.)? AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

Lee: Even in this apartment Excel isn't safe from the rope.

Lee3: The second chapter is done. So what did you two think?

Hyatt: It's funny.

Excel: But you literally laughed yourself to death every few minutes.

Hyatt: I know (dies).

Excel: Not again. Don't you wanna live?

Lee3: What is your opinion Excel?

Excel: It's better than the first chapter.

Lee3: Good enough. Well readers, review or flame if you like, either way I'm writing chapter 3 which takes place right after Volume 8 in the manga.

Elgala: Which means I, Elgala will make an appearance.

Lee3: Yes it does. I'm outta here. See ya next time.


	3. Downward Spiral

Lee3: Damn, college has been a bitch.

Excel: What's wrong?

Lee3: Tests coming up in Geology, both the Lecture class and the Lab.

Hyatt: Aren't you...(vomits blood and dies)

Lee3: Oh, I almost forgot. Elgala get out here!

Elgala: (struts out on stage) I, Elgala would love to (Lee3 pulls a rope and Elgala falls) AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Lee3: Ego time is over profile time is now. For the readers who have never read the manga, which is a vast majority of you. Elgala made her first appearance in Volume 7. She became the third member of ACROSS in Volume 8. If you want to know exactly how Excel and Hyatt met her read both of those volumes because there is too much information to explain. Elgala's uniform is a lot like Excel's minus the collar and her hair spirals. She has a tendency to speak her inner most thoughts out loud like she's in the middle of a soliloquy, but everyone hears her anyway especially Excel. Her real name is Kasumi and she is like Excel's rival in...everything especially competing for Ilpalazzo's love.

Elgala: (climbs out of the pit) What are you talking about?

Lee3: Nothing. I don't own Excel-Saga, if I did both the manga and the anime would be even more insane if that is humanly possible.

Excel: Okay let's...(falls into the pit)

Lee3: (snickers) Moron. RUN IT!!!

Downward Spiral

(Outside Lee's house)

Hyatt: Senior, how did we get here?

Excel: Oh yeah, you died before Ilpalazzo explained everything. And dropped me into the pit again.

Hyatt: Well what happened?

Excel: He used Lee's dimensional cannon to send us to his dimension and right now we're outside his house. Our mission was to meet up with Lee...that was it.

Hyatt: I guess we'll know more when we see him.

Excel: Then let's go (walks to Lee's front door and Hyatt rings the doorbell).

Lee: (opens the door) About time you two got here, get in here (the duo complies).

Hyatt: What is the mission for today?

Lee: (puts his backpack on) It's 7:00am in the morning and I got to be at my Computer Science class starts at 8:00 (walks to the garage door and reveals his truck). Ilpalazzo informed me what the mission is, so I'll explain on the way to the university.

(On the road)

Hyatt: This is a nice truck.

Lee: It's my dad's 1997 Ford F150 Lariat Edition, so don't puke blood in it...in fact, don't die in here.

Hyatt: Okay (dies).

Excel: Dammit!

Lee: Don't tell me she died again!?!

Excel: She died again.

Lee: (pissed) Fuck, I need you both alive so I can brief you both.

Excel: Why don't you brief me and I'll inform Ha-chan.

Lee: You're too stupid and you'll forget the briefing. By the way Ilpalazzo told me that I would meet a third member of ACROSS at the university.

Excel: That would be Elgala.

Lee: I know, but right now we need to get to the university first.

(At the University)

Excel: This is it?

Lee: Yep, looks nice huh?

Excel: Yep (electrocutes Hyatt with a tazer until she revives).

Hyatt: Is it morning yet?

Lee & Excel: It's the same morning Hyatt (they get out of the car).

Excel: (hears someone in the distance) Hey it's...

????: Senior Excel, Senior Hyatt!

Excel: (with apathy) Elgala.

Elgala: (catches up with everyone) Seniors, I'm here for the briefing...who is this?

Lee: I'm Lee, now can I please get the briefing over with? The sooner you two, I mean three morons start this mission the easier it will be to pull this one off.

Elgala: Wow this guy is cute and serious.

Lee: (stoic) I heard that.

Elgala: You heard my thoughts?!

Lee: First of all, I have the power to do so and second, you spoke your thoughts out loud.

Elgala: (blushes) Oops.

(A/N: Since Elgala speaks her inner most thoughts aloud...using anything to express thought for her is pointless.)

Lee: Anyway, here is the mission: Go to a building called the AAC/EOP, then find the Computer Lab, the lights should be off. At the computer on the very end there should be a Black Box under the desk and no this ISN'T A BOMB!!!!

Hyatt: How did you know where this box is located?

Lee: Ilpalazzo informed me that he used my dimensional cannon to transport the box to that location.

Elgala: I, Elgala wish to know what happens after we get the box.

Lee: After you guys get the Black Box go to the Library. There are five floors if you count the roof, go to the fourth floor and STAY AWAY FROM THE WINDOWS OR YOU WILL BE SPOTTED BY THE PEOPLE STUDYING!!!

Excel: (smiles) We'll hide in the book aisles.

Lee: Now you're thinking.

Excel: Thank you.

Lee: (gives Hyatt a pill) Take this...(Hyatt ingest the pill quickly)

Hyatt: What was it?

Lee: A pill to keep you from dying for a few hours. All three of you are too important in this mission to die on me. If anyone spots you guys or if Hyatt pukes blood, the mission is over.

Elgala: What time is it now?

Lee: It is 7:30am; classes' start at 8:00 and mine gets out at 9:25. You guys have 30 minutes to pull this off; so don't fail me (they all head for the building)! Oh, Elgala.

Elgala: (stops and blushes) Yes?

Lee: (serious) I know that Ilpalazzo can pull you from a mission to do another assignment at any time, but keep in mind that when you're with me, I run the show. If Ilpalazzo pulls you from my missions, you go to him AFTER you finish the one you're on GOT IT?!

Elgala: Yes.

Lee: Go catch up to Excel & Hyatt.

Elgala: Right (ran after Excel and Hyatt)!

Lee: _They shouldn't fail this easy mission_. (Walks to the Library)

(Halfway from their destination)

Excel: How are we gonna find this AAC building anyway?

Hyatt: (looking at a campus map) According to this map we just keep going straight until we pass the Admissions and Records Office.

Elgala: Or we can read the sign Lee is holding from the library.

(The girls see Lee holding a sign that says, "Keep going straight, you're halfway there"!)

Excel: Either way let's get a move on (the trio runs to the Admission & Records Office)!

Lee: So far so good (burns the sign and walks into the library).

Hyatt: (points to the A&R building) There it is!

Excel: All we have to do is pass this building and (sees the AAC/EOP building)...we found it.

Hyatt: Let's go (walks towards the building).

Elgala: Shouldn't we check to see if there is anyone inside?

Excel: You're right...you go look.

Elgala: (whines) Why should I look inside?

Excel: Because I'm your senior.

Elgala: Aww (looks through the little glass window)...there is no one there.

Excel: That makes this mission easier, let's go (opens the door and the 3 girls walks inside)!

Elgala: There is no one here.

Excel: Good, let's do this (they search for the Computer Lab for 8 minutes...ironically they passed the lab several times.)!

Hyatt: Senior?

Excel: Not now Ha-chan, I'm trying to think about where the lab could be.

Elgala: (annoyed) It's right here in the direction Senior Hyatt is pointing to!

Excel: (looks) Oh...so it is. Let's get that box and get out of here.

(They walk into the lab)

Hyatt: What computer did Lee mention...

Excel: The one on the end.

Elgala: (holds the box in front of Excel) Found it!

Excel: (shocked) How did you find that box so fast?!

Elgala: (arrogant) I, Elgala went and searched for it while you were asking Hyatt about where it was located.

Excel: (annoyed) Man, the author sure does enjoy defeating the purpose of suspense.

Lee3: (as a voice over) Will you three morons get out of there before I write in a cop (sees a dust trail)?! Where'd they go?

(Outside the AAC building)

(Excel, Hyatt and Elgala are running to the library.)

Excel: We got out of there with 5 minutes to spare (a cop starts chasing them)!

Campus Cop: FREEZE BITCHES (gets hit by a golf cart going 80mph)!!!!

Elgala: We got a break!

Hyatt: (sees Lee ahead of them) Hey, there's Lee.

Lee: (relieved) Hey, you gals succeeded.

Excel: I thought you had class.

Lee: About that...um...it turns out that today is...Saturday.

Excel & Elgala: WHAT?!

Lee: I'm sorry, I must have lost track of what day this is.

Hyatt: (semi frightened) But we were just chased by a campus officer.

Lee: What the hell is a campus cop doing here on a Saturday?

Campus Cop: (bleeding from the head) Actually, there is an explanation for that (passes out).

Lee: I think you passing out was that very reason.

Elgala: I, Elgala wish to know why?

Lee: (impersonates Elgala) I, Lee don't have a fucking clue why that cop is here. Now let's go home.

Elgala: (blushes) So handsome and awesome, like Lord Ilpalazzo.

Lee & Excel: You're speaking your thoughts aloud again!

Elgala: (embarrassed) Oops.

Hyatt: Besides Elgala, when Lee impersonated you that wasn't a compliment.

Excel: ANYWAY here's your box (Elgala hands Lee the Black Box).

Elgala: I can't believe I'm this close to him.

Lee: (annoyed) You haven't learned anything within the last ten seconds have you?

Elgala: D'oh!

Lee: Excel, next I send you and your cohorts on a retrieval mission, you give me the item.

Excel: SIR, YES SIR!!!

Hyatt: I think we should leave before another cop comes.

Campus Cop: (struggles to get up) I'm not...done...yet.

Lee: (unsheathes his sword and turns it into a steel bat) Oh yes you are you one-shot bastard (hits Campus Cop repeatedly until he dies)!

Hyatt: Um Author, can we end this chapter now?

Lee3: Yes.

Hyatt: Thank...(coughs up blood eight times and dies)

Lee: (with blood on his clothes) I just know he was waiting for that to happen.

To Be Continued

Antics: Preview

Lee: (psyched) Yo guys guess what?!

Ilpalazzo: You have a plan to take over this city?

Lee: No.

Excel: Found a way to keep Hyatt from dying?

Lee: No.

Hyatt: You are able to...(vomits huge amounts of blood and dies)

Lee: Uuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhh, I'm gonna say no to whatever that question she was trying to ask.

Elgala: (excited) Declared your undying love for me?!

Lee: (smiles at her and pulls the rope dropping her into The Pit) Hell no. I just wanted to say that the author bought the boxed set of the Excel-Saga anime and watched all the episodes a few weeks ago!

Excel: (quizzical) So what is the relevancy in that?

Ilpalazzo: Watching those episodes probably gave him ideas for the next few chapters.

Lee: Exactly.

Elgala:(shoots out of the pit) Would the plot happen to be...howyourDimensionalCannongoeshaywireandcharactersfromotheranimeshowsmakeanappearanceespeciallytheanimecastofExcel-Saga (Ilpalazzo pulls the rope with sign reading "DUMBASS" and Elgala fall into The Pit...again) AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Ilpalazzo: You just gave away the plot.

Lee: Yeah, the plot for TWO of the parts! Chapter 4 is Anime Hell part 1.

Excel: It's unquestionably (Lee pulls the rope and Excel joins Elgala) HELLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Lee: This isn't Tenchi Universe so don't EVER do that again!!!

Lee3: That's it for Chapter 3. Like the SI said I finally watched all those episodes (Volumes1-3, 5-6 I've already seen the episodes in Volume 4.) Didn't mean to take so long. I've been dealing with college (Geology sucks) and I'm working on this Soul Caliber 2 fic at the same time. There are only five chapters left (I told you this fic was short.). I got this goddamn stomach virus right now so I better end this before I pull a Hyatt. See ya next time...BATHROOM RUN!!!!


	4. Anime Hell: Part 1

(A masked reader with a Sledge Hammer is hunting down the author.)

Masked Reader: Heh, heh, heh, he's behind this door and when I open it I'm gonna beat his lazy-ass with this Sledge Hammer (opens the door and find the author with his back to him) (charges at the author). _This is it, I gotcha!_

Lee3: (stoic) You can put down the hammer Royiaki I just finished updating this fic.

Hanku: (stops, drops the hammer and takes off the mask) How did you know it was me?!

Lee3: Wasn't it you who mentioned something about hitting me with a sledge hammer unless I updated soon...dammit?

Hanku: You remembered that?

Lee3: Hey, you gave me such a laugh I just had to update this thing.

Hanku: Can you tell the fans what is going on in this chapter and why you took so long?

Excel: (shows up out of nowhere) It'sacrossoverinvolvingafewcharactersfromtheTenchiseries,SilentMobius,DirtyPair,BubblegumCrisisTokyo2040,ReadorDieandanyothershowsExcelforgottomention!

Lee3: (annoyed) Like the secondary characters from the ANIME Excel-Saga. All of these fools will be in this chapter and I had College work to do and since the Fall Quarter ends one week before my 21st birthday and the grades are due the day after, I want to do SO WELL that I know I passed my classes before grades are due so I do NOT have the spend my 21st birthday on eggshells. I already had to do that last year (pulls the rope and Excel falls).

Excel: What did Excel do?!

Lee3: THAT FAST TALKING YOU DID WAS MY LINE!!!!

Hanku: Well, I'm gonna start the disclaimer now.

Lee3: Uh, no you're not (pulls the rope an Hanku falls)!

Hanku: WHAT DID I DO?!

Lee3: THIS IS MY FIC I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO STARTS THE DISCLAIMER!!!! I don't own Excel-Saga, any of the Tenchi Series, Dirty Pair, Read or Die, Silent Mobius or Bubblegum Crisis Tokyo 2040. If I did it would be like the "Going too Far," episode of Excel-Saga only with one big orgy.

I don't own Hanku either, but he isn't in the main story so...does that matter? It probably does. _Just being on the safe side._

Hanku & Excel: (jumps out of the pit ) This fic isn't going to make much sense is it?

Lee3: Nope. RUN IT!!!

Anime Hell: Part 1

Excel & Elgala: HAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLL ILPALAZZO!!!

Hyatt: zzo.

Lee: (hangs upside down by his tail) Yo dude.

Ilpalazzo: Everyone the world is corrupt.

Lee: Do you have to say that all the time?

Ilpalazzo: What do you mean?

Lee: We know this world is corrupt, hell my world is corrupt, EVERY WORLD I'VE BEEN TO IS FUCKIN' CORRUPT!!!!

Ilpalazzo: That is a very good point, by the way how is that machine coming?

Lee: (stoic) Almost finished.

Excel: What kind of...

Ilpalazzo & Lee: It's classified!

Elgala: Is it a giant Laser Gun (Ilpalazzo pulls the rope)? AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! HEY GUYS, THERE IS A SNAKE IN HERE!!! ACK, IT'S SWALLOWING ME!!!!

Lee: (cell phone rings) Hello...hey dude, wassup? WHAT (tail retracts and Lee falls on his head)?! They're running around here?! Okay...so the cops from Tenchi Universe are here...the A.M.P. and the Dirty Pair are here too...THE PAPER SISTERS AND NENENE ARE ALSO HERE?!

Hyatt: What's wrong?

Lee: Because my Dimensional Cannon wasn't finished the communications and transports Ilpalazzo made caused a bunch of rips in the Dimensional Fabric, enabling other anime/manga characters to come through...what's that...the Anime Excel-Saga cast is here...and the Puni Puni Poemy cast, what is this the Dumbass Convention?!

Elgala: (climbs out of the pit half dead) I heard everything...are we in trouble (Lee pull the rope with the message "No Shit Sherlock" while on the phone)? I GUESS SOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Lee: (pissed) Anyone else here?! Yes, I've seen Bubblegum Crisis Tokyo 2040...oh, so the Knight Sabers are here too. Anyone else...who the fuck are the Excel Girls...oh wait now I remember...(relaxes) okay I'll get right on it...no help from you will be required...goodbye (hangs up).

(A/N: In this fic Lee knew all the characters that were just mentioned, EXCEPT the Excel Girls and the Read or Die cast.)

Ilpalazzo: (about to pull the rope) Is this somehow my fault?!

Lee: (stoic) Inadvertently yes, the keyword being **inadvertently **because you didn't know what was going on.

Ilpalazzo: (lets go of the rope) Oh, but something else has occurred I see.

Lee: Yes, we gotta send a bunch of anime characters back to where they came from. They could pose a threat to the ideal of conquering this city.

Ilpalazzo: You're right, Excel, Hyatt, Elgala!

Excel, Hyatt & Elgala: Yes, Lord Ilpalazzo?

Ilpalazzo: You three are to assist Lee in eliminating these anime freaks!

Lee: Um dude, I'm friends with most of them.

Ilpalazzo: Oh, well...

Lee: (smirks) I get it...I have the weapons needed to send them packing without having to punch more holes in the D-fabric (reveals a suitcase full of weird looking Laser Guns). These guns will warp those anime characters back to their home dimensions.

Excel: How do they work?

Lee: (annoyed) It's easy dumbass just point and shoot. Oh, I almost forgot...these guns ONLY WORK on the ANIME CHARACTERS, in order to prevent friendly fire when we face your anime doubles.

Excel: Nice thinking, but when do we face our anime doppelgangers?

Lee: Next chapter.

Elgala: I, Elgala would like to know who is first to be returned to sender?

Ilpalazzo: I would recommend the anime characters that can fight.

Lee: Exactly, which means we should concentrate on all mercenary and cop characters first. Those are: the Galaxy Police Officers Mihoshi and Kiyone, the A.M.P., the Dirty Pair, the Paper Sisters with their friend NeNeNe and the BGC Tokyo 2040 crew a.k.a. the Knight Sabers.

Excel: LET'S MOVE OUT (the quartet departs)!!!

Ilpalazzo: Come back alive.

(On the streets of Fukuoka)

Excel: Where do we start looking for these cartoon retreads?

Lee: Keep going straight...they'll appear out of nowhere.

Hyatt: Like in a videoga...(vomits blood and dies)

Elgala: Seniors, Hyatt just died again!

Lee & Excel: So, what are you gonna do about it?

Elgala: Nothing.

Excel: Hyatt, get up we don't have time for this!

Hyatt: Yes senior (everyone's gun starts beeping).

Excel: OH MY GOD IT'S GONNA BLOW!!!

Lee: IT'S NOT GONNA EXPLODE YOU IDIOT...It's the radar I put into the guns, you can figure out their purpose (the guns beep furiously). Someone is...

Excel: Right in front of us!

(The quartet sees Mihoshi and Kiyone who are looking aloof right now...well Kiyone anyway.)

Mihoshi: (happy as always) Hey Lee, long time, no see!

Lee: Yeah, it's been what half a decade my time (points his gun at them)? Nothing personal ladies, but I have to send you two back to your dimension.

Kiyone: Wait a...(Lee shoots her and she disappears)

Mihoshi: Kiyone, Kiyone, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! YOU DISINTEGRATED HER!!!! OH KIYONE I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU!!!

Lee: SHE'S NOT DISINTEGRATED DIPSHIT!!!!

Hyatt: Wouldn't there have to be debris for that to happen?

Lee: DUH!

Excel: Can I shoot this spaz now, please?

Lee: Not yet.

(20 seconds and more of Mihoshi's stupidity later.)

Mihoshi: (crying) COMEBACK KIYONE I NEED YOU!!!

Lee: (ubber pissed) I can't take this shit anymore! Take her out goddammit!

(Excel, Hyatt & Elgala shoot Mihoshi, Matrix style.)

Mihoshi: (after several hits) I'M MELTING, MELTI...(disappears)

Lee: I'm beginning to remember WHY I haven't visited the Tenchi crew in 5 years!

Excel: (pissed) WHY DIDN'T YOU SHOOT THAT DUMB BLONDE FIRST?!

Lee: So I could give Kiyone a few moments of nirvana before Mihoshi drives her to insanity (gun beeps like crazy again).

Elgala: According to this the enemy is behind us.

Yuri: Kei, isn't that Lee over there?

Kei: (sees Lee's face) Hey it is (gets pissed)! Hey shit-head!

Lee: What the hell?

Kei: You're gonna pay for wrecking my ship (she and Yuri charges at the quartet)!

Hyatt: Do you know them?

Lee: Oh yeah. _I can keep telling them that I had no choice, but they won't listen to me._ We don't have time for this, open fire!

Excel: Alright, let's raise hell!

(Everyone starts shooting and Kei was shot half way.)

Kei: I'm hi...(disappears)

Yuri: (jumps and is about to land in front of Excel) Those guns are...(shot by Hyatt) AAAAAAAA...(you should have figured out what happened by now)

Excel: Damn, what a hassle (the guns start beeping normally). Whoa, the beeping is coming from the East.

Hyatt: I think this mission would be easier if we split up.

Lee: She has a point, just in case the enemies are in different areas.

Excel: Okay, so what are the teams?

Elgala: I, Elgala want to go with you (hugs Lee)!

Lee: (electrocutes Elgala) Actually, I want you to go with Excel.

Excel: (whines) Why do I have to pair up with her?

Lee: Hey, someone has to keep Hyatt alive, let's go Hyatt.

Hyatt: Yes sir (they go North).

Elgala: (gets up) I guess we'll have to get along for this.

Excel: I agree, lets go (they head East).

(Lee & Hyatt's team)

Hyatt: Senior?

Lee: I don't know if I told you or the others this, but I hate formal titles.

Hyatt: Lee, who is our next target?

Lee: Hopefully, the A.M.P.

Hyatt: Would they be those female officers in front of us?

Lee: What? Whoa! Either they can't be tracked by radar or the radar conked out.

Yuki: Hey, it's Lee!

Kiddy: Yo, how are you doing?!

Lee: I'm fine. Right now me and my cohort... (Sees a dead Hyatt) who is dead now are going to send you all back to your dimension.

Katsumi: Fine with us.

Lee: (kicks Hyatt) Get up Hyatt we have a job to do and this time we didn't freak anybody into a panic like rage.

Hyatt: (awakens) Okay.

Rally: (makes the "this is disturbing" face) Wasn't she dead?

Lum Cheng & Mana: SHE'S A LUCIFER HAWK...GET HER!!!

Lee: (annoyed) Oh my god, fire at will (both of them shoots up the A.M.P in a few seconds).

Hyatt: That was easy (their guns start beeping like crazy). There it goes again.

Lee: (points to the roof of a building) They're on the roof!

Hyatt: How did you know?

Lee: There is always an enemy on the roof in these situations (watches the Knight Sabers jump off and land in front of Lee and Hyatt).

Sylia: Long time no see.

Lee: If it isn't the Knight Sabers. Are you four gonna let Hyatt and I warp you all back home or I have to strip you all naked and then shoot you gals?

Priss: I prefer to fight.

Hyatt: She's violent isn't she?

Lee: We never got along that much. That's why when I wasn't rockin' out with her I was whoopin' her ass.

NeNe: You gave Maki illegal drugs!

Lee: Hey, those mushrooms were from the Realm of the Dead and I told him to analyze them NOT EAT 'EM!!! Hey, why are you yelling at me anyway, you ate them too and while on that hallucination/Acid trip you ran around screaming "BOOMER" at the top of your lungs! Your constant shrieking pissed off everyone and broke all of Sylia's windows and that's a lot of windows.

Linna: (starts laughing) That was pretty funn...(gets shot by Hyatt)

NeNe: LINNA (Lee shoots her for screaming)!!! NOOO...

Lee: Aww, the shriek, the Shriek of Death.

Sylia: I know what you...(Hyatt shoots her)

Priss: SYLIA, YOU DIRTY BAS...(Lee shoots her 14 times)

Hyatt: Yay, we...(coughs up a lot of blood and dies)

Lee: Only one more group to go (looks at the dead Hyatt)! I guess you deserve that little hiatus (radar beeps like crazy). No rest for the weary, at least we didn't have to move much.

????: You killed an innocent woman!

Lee: (stoic) She always dies on her own.

????: Liar, no one can do that.

Lee: My friend Hyatt can.

????: No more lies...face the wrath of the Paper Sisters!

????: (forms a bow & arrow out of paper) I'm Michelle!

????: (forms a lion out of paper) I'm Maggie.

????: (forms a sword out of paper) I'm Anita, you murdering fiend!

Lee: (sarcastic) Murdering fiend? Oh, that's a good line.

Michelle: Silence! Now...

Lee: (didn't get the message) And you three form crap out of paper and use it as a weapon...that's the dumbest power I've ever seen in my life! Only J.C.Staff can come up with something that stupid!

(A/N: (laughing) That really is a dumb power. I know the "Read or Die" fans are gonna hate me for this, but I just had to do this.)

Anita: Hey, don't mock...

Lee: I'm sick of this shit (shoots all three without even trying).

Paper Sisters: WE HAVEN'T DONE A...(they're gone)

NeNeNe: YOU BASTARD, THOSE WERE MY FRIENDS (Lee shoots her in the head)!!!

Lee: (sarcastic) Yeah, yeah, yeah, I get it woman.

Great Will: (shows up out of nowhere) You think you're so badass. Well let's see how...(Lee shoots her several times) What the h...

Lee: Now that the living RESET MACHINE is gone the rest of the missions will be easier (picks up Hyatt and heads for the apartment).

(At the Apartment)

Lee: (on the phone) Ilpalazzo, Hyatt and I completed the mission and Excel and Elgala already completed most of Mission 2...glad you're pleased, but I wish they took out Nabeshin and Rikdo, I guess I will have to deal with them...bye (hangs up).

Excel: What did he say?

Lee: He said good job, take the rest of the day off and meet him at Headquarters at 5:00 tomorrow morning.

Hyatt & Elgala: Yay, let's get something to eat!

To be Continued

Antics: Excel & Elgala

(A/N: This takes place right before Lee & Hyatt ran into the A.M.P.)

Excel: Why do you think Lee partnered us up like this?

Elgala: _Maybe he secretly likes Hyatt._

Excel: Um, you're speaking your thoughts aloud again and I don't think he has a love interest in Ha-chan.

Elgala: Are you sure?

Excel: Think about it. Why would he fall in love with someone who dies eight times a day?

Elgala: So, this pairing is strictly based on us working together as a team?

Excel: (smiles) Yep, after all we are coworkers whether we like it or not.

Elgala: I, Elgala would like to ask another question.

Excel: (annoyed) And that would be...

Elgala: Who are those people over there and why is this radar going haywire when I point this gun at them?

Excel: Where?

Elgala: There (points across the street where the anime versions of Sumiyoshi, Watanabe, Iwata, Kabapu, Matsuya, Roppanmatsu 1 and 2, Shioji and Momochi are standing.)!

Excel: (shocked) Elgala, do you know what this means?!

Elgala: That they are the secondary characters from the Excel-Saga anime and if we warp them back we could tell Lee and he would tell Lord Ilpalazzo and Ilpalazzo will praise us for our hard work.

Excel: You know, I wasn't expecting you to know that answer, but you forgot one thing.

Elgala: And that is...

Excel: OUR NEXT MISSION WILL BE A WHOLE LOT EASIER (fires three wild shots that hit Pedro, Sandora and That Man without Excel even knowing.)!!!

Kabapu: What was that (everyone looks in the direction where the shots were fired, but they didn't see anything.)?

Watanabe: Maybe you're getting senile Doc.

Roppanmatsu 2: (starts jumping up and down) Yeah, yeah, senile, senile, crazy, demented!

Iwata: SHUT UP YOU STUPID MACHINE!!!

Roppanmatsu 2: YOU SHUT UP!!!

Matsuya: (hits them both) BOTH OF YOU SHUT THE HELL UP!!!

(Excel and Elgala are hiding behind a nearby trashcan.)

Elgala: Why did you do that?!

Excel: Oops, I guess Excel got a little too excited.

Elgala: You almost gave us away Senior.

Excel: Oh well, so what do we do about those guys?

Elgala: I'm all for shooting wildly at them.

Excel: Same here, CHARGE (she and Elgala run out there shooting wildly at the City Security guys)!!!

Kabapu: What the...(get shot and warped)

Matsuya: At least he's...(next to go)

Iwata: Misaki no...(goes bye-bye)

Sumiyoshi: Run for it!

Watanabe: No shi...(he and Sumiyoshi got shot)

Roppanmatsu 1: The shots are being fired from across the street. The odds of...(got shot three times because the author hates probability.)

Roppanmatsu 2: Big sister? Where did...(got shot several times because the author can't stand annoying, ever spazzing, hyper robots.)

Shioji: (freaks) NO MY RO...(gets shot)

Momochi: That was...(gets shot a bunch of times for no reason)

Excel: Damn, the author sure hates hyper robots and Math huh?

Lee3: (as a voice over) Damn right I do!

Elgala: Well now that...(the gun starts beeping really fast) HUH?!

Excel: Elgala? There is a little girl with pink hair standing behind you.

Elgala: What?

Cossett: Hi, I'm Cossett Sarah and I'm here to (makes a demonic face) KILL YOU!!!

Excel: (stoic) Take her out (Elgala complies).

Elgala: Now it's over (Lee's image appears on a holographic screen that was manifested by the gun.).

Lee: Hey you two. Have you guys made any progress?

Excel: Yeah! We just warped the secondary characters from the Excel-Saga anime back to their dimensions!

Lee: Good, we just completed the mission and are on our way to the apartment. We'll meet up there.

Elgala: Where is Senior Hyatt?

Lee: I've got her with me, she's dead as always, but she was a great help, later (ends the transmission).

Excel: Let's go Elgala.

Elgala: Yeah.

Antics: Paper?

(A/N: This short takes place while Lee was waiting for Excel and Elgala who were an hour away.)

(At the apartment)

Lee: You all might be wondering how I found the new apartment. Well let's just say that this is an unorthodox fic so it doesn't make sense and leave it at that.

(A/N: Remember, the old apartment burned down at the end of Volume 8.)

Lee: (sets Hyatt down) Since Excel and Elgala are still minutes away, I think I'll have some fun. Take care of things Hyatt (creates a portal in the ground and jumps into it.).

Hyatt: (revives) Okay Lee...where did he...(dies again)

(In a totally different dimension)

Lee: (appears outside a bookstore) Man I love dimension hopping...(sees three semi-familiar faces) oh, the Paper Retards...time to prank (disappears leaving something behind).

Michelle: Look at all these great books!

Anita: Girl, you are obsessed to the point of freaky.

Michelle: I'm sure Maggie dear doesn't mind.

Maggie: (stoic) Not really.

Anita: Still, shouldn't we figure out who that guy was?

Michelle: (excited) LOOK AT THIS!!!

Maggie: It's a book and a letter.

Anita: What's so great about that?

Michelle: (reads the letter) Whoa, you guys should read this!

Anita & Maggie: What does it say?

Dear Paper Shit-heads,

Sorry about before, but I had no choice.

Lee (the guy who warped you three back to your home)

Maggie: What do you guys think?

Michelle: I guess he can't be all that bad.

Anita: I wouldn't trust that guy, even though he did send us back here unharmed.

Maggie: Is that a book your holding Michelle?

Michelle: It came with the letter. I guess it's a gift.

Anita: Open it...but be careful.

Michelle: Anita, books can't hurt you (opens the book but only one thing was written on it). Turn around?

(They trio complies, only to find graffiti on the street saying "You fuckin' suck," written.)

Anita: Now I know that was directed at us.

Lee: (appears behind Maggie) Exactly right little girl, that message is directed at you three.

(They Paper Sisters turn around to see their foe.)

Maggie: (looking up at Lee) And they say I'm tall.

Lee: (blushes) Um, yeah. Anyway I just wanted to say that controlling paper is still a dumb power, however I am sorry about before.

Anita: If you're sorry then what's with the graffiti!

Lee: Just to grasp your attention.

Michelle: (points a paper bow & arrow at him) Want do you want?

Lee: (breathes fires and burns the paper weapon) Just a little fun (pulls out a remote control and pushes the button).

Maggie: What will that...(a giant bomb with a skull and crossbones drops in front of them.)

Lee: (flies up to the short fuse, lights it and lands in front of the bomb.) I gotta go, but be prepared to jump high in the air (a portal forms under his feet, Lee sinks into it and the portal disappears).

Anita: Oh...(the bomb explodes, only to leave the property undamaged, but the Paper Sisters smoking) crap.

Maggie: What did he mean by jump high into the air?

Michelle: Maybe it involved that...(the bookstore explodes, the trio flew a few feet and landed on the ground.)

Maggie: ...explosion.

Michelle: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, NOT THE BOOKS ANYTHING BUT THE BOOKS!!!! WWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Maggie: (spots another note) Hey another note.

Michelle: (stops crying) What does it say?

Anita: (reads it) That bastard.

Michelle: Let me see...DAMN HIM!!!

P.S.

For the record, The Old Man and the Sea by Hemingway and all of the Harry Potter books suck ass!

The Paper Sisters: DAMN HIM TO HELL!!!

(Back at the apartment)

Lee: (reappears just as Excel and Elgala arrived) Hey, you two made it back.

Excel: Nice to see that Ha-chan is here too.

Lee: Well I'm gonna call Ilpalazzo and report on the mission.

End of Antics

Lee3: Finally finished.

Excel: Weren't you missing someone in that last Antics short?

Lee3: You mean Yomiko Readman a.k.a. Agent Paper? She'll suffer my wrath within the next few Antics shorts.

Hyatt: I think she means the one with the glasses.

Lee3: Nenene? I wasn't planning to put in that short...where is Hanku?

Elgala: He said something about Soul Caliber 2 and Astaroth kicking Link's ass.

Lee3: It's a challenge...I better go (looks at the Fourth Wall). Review or flame if you want.

Excel: Are you sure about that?

Lee3: Don't worry I can take it. I am in college after all. Sorry if I pissed off any "Read or Die" fans...yeah right. I'm a fan too. See ya next time.

Excel: When is that?

Lee3: Whenever the author has enough time to write Part 2 of "Anime Hell" on pen and paper and then type it up.


	5. Anime Hell: Part 2

Excel: YEAH, IT"S TIME FOR PART TWO!!!

Lee3: You have ever right to be excited Excel, but this chapter is pretty short (Excel falls anime style).

Excel: But why?

Lee3: Because most of the anime Excel-Saga cast members were already taken out. Plus since the Great Will of the Macrocosm is also out of the picture, it means NO MORE RESETS!!!!

Hyatt: I guess that's good.

Lee3: It is good...besides it sets up Anime Hell: Part 3.

Elgala: I, Elgala wish to do the disclaimer.

Lee3: Why do you always do that?

Elgala: Do what?

Lee3: That thing you always do.

Elgala: I don't know what you're talking about.

Excel: (Drags Elgala by the ear) I'll explain it to you.

Lee3: I don't own Excel-Saga or it's characters, just the self-insert. Anyway, I better get started with this IT!!!

Anime Hell: Part 2

Excel & Elgala: HAIL ILPALAZZO!!!

Hyatt: zzo.

Lee: (yawns) When do we start?

Ilpalazzo: Before you all start on your mission I want to tell you four, good job so far.

Excel: OH THANK YOU LORD ILPALAZZO!!! TAKE ME (Excel is dropped into the pit)!!!

Ilpalazzo: We'll have none of that (lets go of the rope).

Lee: (stoic) I agree.

Elgala: _Oh thank you Lord Ilpalazzo for praising us. Oh I want to..._(Ilpalazzo pulls the rope and Elgala suffers the same fate as Excel)

Ilpalazzo & Lee: No thinking about it either!

Hyatt: Whom do we have to send back today?

Lee: The anime: Excel, Hyatt, Nabeshin and Rikdo.

Excel & Elgala: (climb out of the hole) Sounds easy.

Ilpalazzo: Easy for you two and Hyatt since you three will target your doubles.

Elgala: Cool.

Lee: Elgala? There wasn't an Elgala in the anime just like there wasn't a Nabeshin in this version.

Elgala: Then it's three on one.

Hyatt: (sings) I sense an advantage.

Excel: (sings) I sense you dying in two seconds...(Hyatt dies) I love being accurate.

Lee: _Hyatt dying is the only thing you're accurate on._

Excel: When do we start?

Ilpalazzo: Right now (pulls the rope and Excel, Hyatt and Elgala falls, while Lee stands behind the hole for two seconds and then jumps in).

(On the streets of Fukuoka)

Excel: Where do we start looking?

Lee: Go to the old apartment, they should be on their way there.

Elgala: I, Elgala wonder how you know that?

Lee: Because that apartment didn't burn down in the anime.

Excel: Good point let's go Ha-chan.

Hyatt: (revives) Yes Senior.

(The three girls depart)

Lee: (his gun starts beeping) Hmm, it's coming from the park...I better get down there (takes off at super speed).

(At the ruins of the old apartment)

Anime Excel: Wow, the apartment is burned down...there is nothing left. Ha-chan, do you think Menchi died in there?

Anime Hyatt: I doubt it Senior. Remember, Menchi had a tendency to take off before anything bad happens.

A. Excel: True.

Excel: (from behind) Your dog might be called Menchi in your world, but in this world, our dog is named Mince (points the gun at Anime Excel, while Hyatt and Elgala followed suit)!

A. Excel: HOLY T-CAKES WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS?!

Hyatt: We are the manga version of you guys.

Elgala: And there can be only one.

Excel: For our Lord Ilpalazzo, we will send you two back to your world.

A. Excel: (charges at Excel) Not without a fight you won't (kicks the gun out of Excel's hand and catches it while the Anime Hyatt got shot by Elgala and Hyatt.)!

Excel: It's over.

Elgala & Hyatt: You have lost.

A. Excel: You three may have sent back Ha-chan (point the gun at Excel) but I won't go down so easily (shoots Excel, but the laser bounced off Excel and hit Anime Excel.)! NOOOOOO (starts disappearing) WHY DIDN'T IT WORK ON YOU!!!

Excel: Because a friend of ours made it where it will only work on anime characters.

A. Excel: OH FUCK NO (disappears)!!!

Excel, Hyatt & Elgala: OH YES!!!

Hyatt: Let's contact...(vomits enough blood to where the streets are flowing with it and she dies as usual)

Elgala: Senior Excel, should we worry about all that blood she lost?

Excel: No. If it is a problem we could always take her to the hospital (for a few seconds everyone saw the Doctor and Nurse Fukuoka freaked out). Then again I don't think they like us there. Well anyway we should contact Lee.

(At the Park)

Lee: According to the radar, that afro-bastard and the original author should be here (the gun shows a holographic Excel). Yo Excel, are you, Hyatt and Elgala done already?

Excel: They weren't even a challenge.

Elgala: Have you found your targets yet?

Lee: No, I guess...(gets shot at) Shit he's behind me (starts running) Nabeshin is...(signal is gone).

(Outside the old apartment)

Excel: Lee, LEE, dammit!

Elgala: I, Elgala propose that we help him.

Excel: Proposal denied.

Elgala: What, but why?!

Excel: He can take care of himself. Now help me get Hyatt back to headquarters.

(At the streets of Fukuoka)

Lee: (running with Nabeshin behind him shooting golden bullets with an otherworldly acid in them) What? Who could be supplying the afro-ass munch with those kind of bullets (sees and tall guy with glasses dressed in black)?!

????: I never thought I would see Lee running from someone like a coward!

Lee: (stops and gets a good look at the guy, while getting pissed off) Genius, YOU'RE THE SUPPLIER!!!

Genius: That's right ass-hole, this is revenge for killing by big brother and sister in that "Love Hina" fic!

Lee: I will so kill you in the continuation!

Genius: Better run dude (disappears)!

Lee: (turns to face Nabeshin) All right you crazy-ass director, I'm gonna send you back where you came from (pulls out his laser gun)!

Nabeshin: EAT THIS (shoots at Lee, but he dodged the bullets like in "The Matrix".)!!!

Lee: Damn (dodges a bullet from behind and it almost hit Nabeshin)!

Nabeshin: Hey!

Rikdo: Oh I'm sorry Nabeshin, did I hit you!

Nabeshin: You aimed that shot at me on purpose!

Rikdo: No I didn't.

Nabeshin: Yes you did (both of them drops their guns and start fighting each other)!

Lee: (Watches the fight in disgust) I can't believe this shit (shoots them both and destroys the guns). I'm outta here (teleports).

(Headquarters)

Excel: And that is our report thus far.

Ilpalazzo: It appears that Lee hasn't returned yet.

Lee: (appears) Mission complete.

Ilpalazzo: (sarcastic) I was beginning to think that you had died.

Lee: Whatever Ilpaldildo.

Hyatt: (revives) What's that in your pocket?

Lee: Oh, it's a DVD. I it got damaged during the run in with Nabeshin, but it's 100 okay.

Excel: Will this help us on our next mission?

Lee: Yep, we get a two-hour break to watch this and then start the next mission, if that's okay with Ilpalazzo.

Ilpalazzo: I see no objections.

Lee: Cool, let's watch.

To Be Continued

Antics: Profiling Your Enemy

Ilpalazzo: This DVD is visually appealing.

Excel: What does this two-episode anime have anything to do with our next mission?

Hyatt: Maybe they also spilled into this world.

Lee: Exactly, the Puni Puni Poemy cast came right after the your anime doubles did.

Elgala: I, Elgala would like to know why.

Lee: Probably because this show takes place ten years after the Excel-Saga anime.

Excel: So far we know that Poemi Watanabe is Puni Puni Poemy and her best friend, Futaba Aasu is a lesbian that is in love with her.

Ilpalazzo: So what is the premise of this?

Lee: Poemi's parents get wasted and she lives with her best friend, who has six other sisters.

Excel: The Seven Crazy Aasu Sisters!

Lee: (snickers) Get it? Aasu.

Hyatt: The one with the big boobs looks like me accept she wears glasses.

Lee: That is Shii remember? She has the power of healing, which might work against you Hyatt.

Hyatt: Why?

Lee: Because you're a humanoid.

Elgala: But it didn't on that robot.

Ilpalazzo: That's because it was a robot!

Excel: Why did the author name this short "Profiling Your Enemy"? We are not profiling anyone.

Lee: He probably just gave it that title for the hell of it. All that profiling will be done next chapter.

Ilpalazzo: Only three chapters left.

Lee: I don't want to think about that now. Let's just watch this, laugh and learn about our enemy.

Hyatt: Fine with...(dies)

Excel & Elgala: Fine with us.

Lee3: Yeah I know this chapter was short, but the reason was obvious. Well I gotta study for my Geology test on Monday, I can't fail another test. Anyway, review if you want. Hanku I appreciate you wanting to help, but I already know what I want to do with the final chapters and Antics shorts, but hold those ideas for my Soul Caliber 2 fic. I already have four chapters written and I know what I want to do for the fifth, but after that your ideas might become necessary because playing the game over and over again for inspiration can only get you so far. See ya next time!


	6. Anime Hell: Part 3

Lee3: I finally finished part 3.

Ilpalazzo: What took you so long?

Lee3: I had a Geology test to study for. Now if you will excuse me I wish to get the disclaimer over with.

Ilpalazzo: Go right ahead.

Lee3: I don't own Excel-Saga that's Rikdo Koshi's. I don't own the characters of Puni Puni Poemy or the opening theme song. The same weirdoes that did the Anime Excel-Saga owns that. I also don't own Yomiko or Michelle; they belong to whoever did the Read or Die OVA and the TV series. READY?! 3, 2, 1, RUN IT!!!

Anime Hell: Part 3

Ilpalazzo: After that 2-hour break are you all ready for you next mission?

Excel: we get a profile on our opponents again?

Lee: (face faults) You're kidding right? I just showed you guys the DVD an hour ago.

Hyatt: I think she means for you to do the profile for the sake of the readers.

Lee: Okay, but I'm only gonna explain this once so pay attention. The first moron on the list is Poemi Watanabe. Her age: 10 years old, hyper beyond belief, short as hell, transforms into the magical girl Puni Puni Poemy.

Elgala: Anything else?

Lee: She has a fish wand, but she'd rather use her fists and feet to fight.

Excel: Pointless.

Lee: Be that as it may, she is the only offensive player they have.

Ilpalazzo: (about to pull the rope) Please speed it up will you?

Lee: Fine, here are the Seven Crazy Aasu Sisters.

Hitomi Aasu

Age: 3

Power: Precognition

In other words, she can see shit coming, even though she looks like she's taking a shit.

Futaba Aasu

Age: 10

Power: To make things gentle when she wishes it upon them (It's the lame Sacrificial Lamb power.), Catharsis Flash (duel technique with Puni Puni Poemy).

Interesting Fact: She is in love with Poemi.

Mitsuki Aasu

Age: 15

Power: Earth Acceleration (super speed). It's useless for the most part.

Shii Aasu

Age: 18

Power: Earth Healing (also useless)

Interesting Fact: Tits so big they can suffocate anyone or anything.

Itsue Aasu

Age: 19

Power: Earth Barrier (THE ONLY USEFUL POWER THE AASU SISTERS HAVE!!!)

Interesting Fact: A college student with a career as a Dominatrix and is extremely horny. She likes her job too much.

Mutsumi Aasu

Age: 22

Power: Earth Breakfall a.k.a. Earth Defensive Landing (Falling safely from any attack is a dumb power.)

Interesting Fact: She's a college with a Kansai accent for no reason.

(A/N: Funny how in anime they always have the one person with the Kansai accent. Then when it's translated into English that character sounds like a Redneck.)

Nanase Aasu

Age: 28

Power: Earth Dance of Flowers (Most...useless...power...EVER!!!)

Interesting Fact: Has a desk job. Leader of the Aasu Sisters, but she is not very bright.

Lee: You happy now?

Ilpalazzo: Yes, very (lets go of the rope).

Excel: When do we start?

Ilpalazzo: Now (pulls the rope and everyone minus Lee falls).

Lee: You want something?

Ilpalazzo: Can I borrow that DVD (Lee throws the DVD to him and drops into the hole)? Thank you.

(On the streets of Fukuoka)

Futaba: Where are we?

Nanase: It looks like F city, but something is different.

Itsue: Could you have said anything more clichéd than that?

Poemi: Kobayashi has no idea where we are! What will become of her career?

Mutsumi: Poemi, this isn't a Voice Acting gig.

Mitsuki: Maybe we were sent to this parallel world to protect it.

Shii: You might be right.

Nanase: That's got to be it (looks at Hitomi)! Are you gonna pee in the street Hitomi?

Hitomi: (Looks like she's taking a shit.) 's almost here.

Everyone: WHAT?!

(Close by)

Excel: So we might actually have to fight those losers?

Lee: (annoyed) Since Poemi can fight we will have to actually fight, how many times do I have to tell you that?

Elgala: I, Elgala will say right now that we are close.

Lee: (sarcastic) No shit, I can sense them since they have powers and all.

Hyatt: Is that them (points to the Aasu)?

Hitomi: They are very close...now they are here.

Mitsuki: WHAT (explodes)?!

Lee: Try behind you.

(The Aasu sisters and Poemi turned and saw Team ACROSS.)

Excel: Nothing personal, but we must send you all back to your dimension.

Poemi: No way, Kobayashi will not allow you evil bastards to conquer this world!

Excel: How did you know that was our goal?

Lee, Hyatt & Elgala: EXCEL!!!

Nanase: You just told us!

Itsue: (acting melodramatic) Lee, I never thought you were evil.

Lee: Wait a minute I don't even know you. Why are you talking like you do know me?

Itsue: It was a clichéd line.

Poemi: Kobayashi doesn't care about clichéd anything. You're going down!

Hyatt: Didn't you forget something?

Poemi: Kobayashi doesn't know what you are talking about!

Elgala: _You forgot the "I wanna be a voice actress shit"!_

Poemi: Thank you spiral haired lady. Kobayashi will become a voice actress!

Dead Fish: Poemi, transform into Puni Puni Poemy you shit-head!

(Some dude starts playing his Zoto before Lee shot him with a Magnum.)

Poemi: Let's do it (stabs the fish with a knife turning into a wand)!

Dead Fish: That hurts!

(A/N: A Zoto is an old Japanese banjo. In my opinion, it's the most annoying thing ever made. It's WORSE than the Keytar.)

Poemi: Yay, Kobayashi loves those highlights (After some highlights the transformation is completed)!

Puni Puni Poemy: The villains show their faces. The heroes appear...(Lee shoots her with the Laser gun) WHAT THE FUCK (disappears)?!

Lee: I didn't want to another dumb line.

Futaba: POEMY, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO (starts crying)!!!

Shii: (immobilized) Futaba...

Itsue: (immobilized) Stop crying!

Nanase & Hitomi: (on the ground) Can't move.

Mutsumi & Mitsuki: We're getting queasy!

(Excel & Elgala shoots Futaba and she disappears.)

Lee: (pissed) WHAT THE FUCK?! WHY DID YOU TWO SHOOT FUTABA?!

Excel & Elgala: We hated her crying.

Lee: THE SISTERS AND POEMY WERE SITTING DUCKS!!!!

Excel & Elgala: ...D'OH!!!

Mitsuki: Earth Acceleration (runs around Lee in super speed.)!

Nanase: (gloats) No one can match her speed. She's the fastest Aasu ever.

Lee: Really (moves so fast he isn't visible and he kicked Mitsuki sending her flying straight up, then he beat punched her in the face eight times and kicked her into the ground, right in front of the other Aasus.)? Looks like I surpassed her speed...more like BURNED IT!!!

Mitsuki: (gets up) I'm okay.

Nanase: Prepare yourself...

All Aasus: ...FOR AN AASU WHIPPING (does the pose for camel-toe)!!!

Lee: (laughs) You actually did that camel-toe pose?!

Excel: (laughing) You said Aasu, get it "ass" Aasu?!

Elgala: I, Elgala (busts out laughing) oh fuck it (Hyatt died laughing)!

Mitsuki: Earth Acceleration (charges at Lee, but he side stepped and tripped her. Next he turned and shot her) Nooooooo! (Hyatt revives)

Lee: I got you (runs at Nanase and punches her, sending her flying ten feet)! I'm coming for you (continues attacking her)!

Itsue: You still need to deal with me (chases Lee)!

Shii: Your heart is eww and icky, I will heal you... Earth Healing (tries to heal Hyatt, Sailor Moon style)! Now let your heart be at ease!

Hyatt: Oh, how pretty (vomits up blood at dies).

Shii: (freaks out) OH NO I KILLED HER!!!

Hitomi: (does her Earth Precognition) She's right there, very close by!

Mutsumi: Duh, she's right in front of us!

Elgala: That girl must be retarded.

Mutsumi: That's because she's 3!

Elgala: (shoots Hitomi) Now she's back where she came from.

Itsue: (spins her whip, which creates a barrier called Earth Barrier) Tie them up, tie them up, time now to whip them all! Cars, Cadillacs, Vibrators, Bernoulli Balls, Barrier, Barrier, BARRIER, BARRIER!!!

Lee: (shoots Nanase after she did her Earth Dance of Flowers move and laughs at Itsue.) Barrier?

Excel: That won't stop me (fires at Itsue, but the shots aren't getting through)! What?

Lee: I'll handle this (flies through the barrier and punches Itsue, disrupting the barrier.). Let me show you my power (unsheathes his sword). Dragon Blade: Whip Mode (transforms his sword into a whip blade)!

Itsue: (pissed) I'm gonna waste you!

Lee: (starts whipping the dominatrix like crazy) Yeah right lady. I won't let you get the chance to waste anyone. S&M is a bitch ain't it (wraps the whip blade around Itsue and then throws her towards Excel)? Excel, fire at will!

Excel: Roger (shoots Itsue a few times and she disappears)! Awesome (looks at Hyatt)! Ha-chan, get up!

Hyatt: (revives) Yes Senior.

Shii: HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?!

Hyatt: I always do that (shoots Shii).

Shii: MY ENORMOUS BREASTS ARE HEAVY (disappears)!!!

Elgala: I, Elgala would like to know why "Shii" said that?

Excel: She has big tits and wants everyone to know it.

Mutsumi: Tell me about it.

Lee: Which reminds me (fires a shot at Mutsumi).

Mutrsumi: Earth Breakfall (gets shot, but falls down)!

Excel: Hey, she didn't disappear!

Mutsumi: (gets up) I figured my power to fall safely from any attack would come in handy. Even if Hitomi says it's stupid.

Lee: Excel, Hyatt, Elgala, I've got a plan just keep shooting.

Excel, Hyatt, Elgala: Right (shoots at Mutsumi)!

Mutsumi: Earth Breakfall (gets shot three times, but time slowed down when Mutsumi started her descent after the third shot connected. Lee ran in normal speed behind Mutsumi and shot her in the back, then time returned to normal speed.) WHAT?! NO (disappears)!!!

Excel: All right, mission complete.

Hyatt: We did it Senior.

Elgala: It's over.

Lee: Okay, let's (gets kicked by Puni Puni Poemy sent flying into a wall.)...

Excel: WHAT THE HELL?!

Elgala: Seniors look (points at Poemy and Futaba)!

Hyatt: Oh my.

Excel: HOW COULD YOU TWO POSSIBLY BE BACK HERE?!

Poemy: (gloats) Miss Kumi Kumi sent us back here with her needles.

Lee: (recovers) YOU'VE GOT TO BE SHITTIN' ME!!! THERE IS NO WAY ACCUPUNTURE CAN TRANSPORT MATTER!!!

Futaba: Well obviously it can because that's what we did (she and Poemy start glowing).

Lee: Let's bring 'em together (Team ACROSS fuse the four guns into a big gun.)!

Excel, Elgala, Hyatt: TEAM ACROSS...

Lee: ...FIRE (Excel, Hyatt and Elgala strikes some Power Ranger pose and Lee fires a huge laser blast at the pink haired weirdo and her lesbian friend)!!!

(A/N: Did all that sound familiar to you?)

Poemy & Futaba: Catharsis...(gets shot and permanently sent home.)

Excel: We did it!

Hyatt: Puni Puni Poemy (dies)...

Elgala: ...is Puni Puni gone. I, Elgala am so happy!

Lee: I bet those Aasus got an Aasu whipping from that Catharsis Flash.

(Outside the Aasu House)

Nanase: I can't believe we lost.

(Poemy and Futaba appear right before they are about to fire their attack.)

Poemy & Futaba: FLASH!!!

Aasu Sisters: OH NO (gets blasted)!!!

(Back at Head Quarters)

Ilpalazzo: (on the phone) So you four have completed the mission...good...well I'll see you four tomorrow...goodbye.

(On the Streets of Fukuoka)

Excel: What did he say?

Lee: Good job.

Excel & Elgala: Yaaaaaaaaaaay!

Hyatt: (revives) What do we do now?

Lee: Only one thing to do (starts playing the Puni Puni Poemy opening theme song with Lee on guitar, Hyatt on drums, Elgala on keytar and Excel on vocals.).

(A/N: If the words are NOT in Italics then the lyrics are spoken. Let me repeat this one warning. I DO NOT OWN THE THEME SONG!!!)

Excel: _There is one Earth_

_If it splits, there'll be two_

_With a little thrilling shock delivered to my heart_

_My heart is destiny_

_My head is empty_

_Unable to articulate, stammering_

_No, no good_

_If my feelings hidden deep in my heart_

_Become known to you_

_Earth and boom, boom, boom_

Elgala: _Boom, boom, boom_

Excel: Man, my bunghole itches, because I'm a girl!

_Walking alone, the path is endlessly long_

_But on bike it's 30 minutes, by bus it's 15 minutes_

_Turning around it's loneliness_

_Even without turning around it's loneliness_

_Currently in search of friends_

_But a lover would be even more okay_

Lee: That was tight...let's go home.

Excel, Hyatt, Elgala: Agreed.

To Be Continued

Antics: Yomiko

(A/N: This take place after Team ACROSS got back to the apartment.)

Lee: See you all in a few minutes (rips open a dimensional portal and steps through).

Hyatt: Where is he going?

Excel: Probably to bother the Read or Die people again.

(In New York)

Lee: Are you Yomiko Readman a.k.a. Agent Paper?

Yomiko: Yes. Why do you want to know?

Lee: I ran into your friend Nenene the other day.

Yomiko: How is she these days?

Lee: She's looking for you, idiot.

Yomiko: What?

Lee: Four years ago you bought a book that she wrote and you left before you could tell her what you thought about it.

Yomiko: She is?

Lee: Do I have to repeat myself? YOU NEED TO SEE HER AND TELL HER IF YOU LIKED HER BOOK OR NOT BEFORE SHE GIVES UP ON YOU!!!

Yomiko: Why are you telling me all this?

Lee: Because I am THE ADVICE GUY!!!!

Nancy: (shows up out of nowhere) What's going on?

Lee: Shut up ho this doesn't concern you!

Nancy: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!

Lee: You heard me (pushes a button and Nancy got ejected). HO, HO, HO!!!!

Yomiko: That isn't very nice!

Lee: Neither is keeping a loyal friend and fan waiting for years at a time (grabs Yomiko). Now GO (throws her with such strength and force, she'll land in Hong Kong)!!!

Yomiko: YOU BASTARD (becomes a star)!!!

Lee: (with a tear in his eye) I am such a good person.

Michelle: (from behind) That was a good deed you did.

Lee: (faces Michelle) Yo Jugs, next time we meet wear a bra. Your tits bounce every time you move and it's causes me to look at THEM rather than your FACE!!!

Michelle: (smiles) Okay (Lee rips open a portal, walks through it and the portal closes.)...HEY!!!

Lee3: That's it for this chapter.

Excel: YAY, ONLY TWO CHAPTERS TO GO!!!

Lee3: Anime Hell: Part 4 is next.

Hyatt: The last chapter in the Anime Hell Saga.

Elgala: Then the final Chapter of Crazy-ass Saga.

Lee3: Review or I'll gut you...just joking. Seriously though review this crazy fic.

Ilpalazzo: I didn't get to drop anyone for purging matters.

Lee3: You will next chapter. See ya next time.


	7. Anime Hell: Part 4

Lee3: (holds a sign that says, "Almost There") I'm almost done with this fic, just two chapters to go. However, this is the last chapter in the "Anime Hell" portion of this fic.

Excel: IS THAT FOR REAL?!

Lee3: (annoyed) Yes, yes it is for real. Why are you so loud?

Elgala: She's just excited, just like I am.

Hyatt: So, who are we pitted against this time?

Lee3: I'll save that for when this chapter starts.

Hanku: (shows up out of nowhere) Hey, when are you going to post Anime Hell: Part 3?!

Lee3: I posted that a week ago. So go check it out if you like (sees a trail of fire)...whoa that's fast.

Hyatt: Don't you need to start the fic?

Lee3: Almost forgot. If you haven't figured out which characters I own or don't own by now...YOU'RE DUMBER THAN OUR PRESIDENT!!! I don't own Hanku understand? He's not in this story, but he will be in one of my other fics because I got his permission for that.

Okay, it's time to start this IT!!!

Anime Hell: Part 4

Excel & Elgala: HAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIILLLLLLLL ILPALAZZO!!!

Hyatt: zzo.

Ilpalazzo: Everyone, great job on your last mission (looks around to find that Lee is nowhere to be found)...I don't see any sign of Lee.

Lee: (descends from the ceiling by his tail and stops in front of Ilpalazzo) Hey dude, I had to finish my Laser Cannon and test it.

Ilpalazzo: You know that is classified right?

Lee: The other three figured it out because of Kasumi's a.k.a. Elgala's big mouth a few chapters ago, remember?

Ilpalazzo: True.

Excel: What is our mission today, Lord Ilpalazzo.

Ilpalazzo: To get rid of two impersonators.

Excel: (going off on a tangent) Are the anime Excel and Hyatt back? If so I will send them packing because I will do anything for (Ilpalazzo pulls the rope and Excel plummets) YOU MY LOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRD!!!

Ilpalazzo: Lee, since this is your plan would you brief them on this mission?

Lee: Gladly, but first of all I need my guns back.

Elgala: Okay. _Even though I have no idea why. You know, I want to ride Ilpalazzo's bone oooohhh I'm so kinky! _(Lee pulls the rope and grabs his gun from Elgala before she fell.) WHAT DID I DOOOOOOOOO?!

Lee & Ilpalazzo: Figure it out!

Hyatt: Here you go (turns in the gun).

Lee: Thank you (Excel and Elgala climb out of their respected pits). Glad you're out of those holes...now listen up. You all remember when I mentioned the Excel Girls right?

Excel: Yeah (turns in the gun).

Lee: Excel Kobayashi and Mikako Hyatt have caused problems for your anime counterparts. So instead of sending them back alive, we're going to send them back...DEAD!!!

Excel & Elgala: WHAT?!

Lee: (smiles) You heard me.

Hyatt: What do you have against the Excel Girls?

Lee: I despise them.

Ilpalazzo: Elaborate.

Lee: They show up out of nowhere, bring their goddamn TV crews for some stupid show they're trying to air, and insult people. If they show up during my master plan for city conquest, then we are perfectly exposed. Not to mention they abused the anime Ilpalazzo...of course he beat the shit out them.

Excel & Elgala: THEY DID WHAT?!

Ilpalazzo: (puts his hand over his face in irritation) _Here we go._

Elgala: I, Elgala will do everything in my power to prevent those bitches from abusing my Lord Ilpalazzo!

Excel: (stares at Elgala with malice) YOUR LORD?!

Elgala: Yes.

Excel: NO!

Elgala: YES!

Excel: NO!

Elgala: I, Elgala love Lord Ilpalazzo more! _Much more than my bitchy Senior Excel!_

Excel: Blasphemy! I love Lord Ilpalazzo more and I heard that thought you just made!

Elgala: (shocked) How did you...

Excel: YOU SAID IT OUT LOUD LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO!!!

Lee: (pissed) SHUT UP BOTH OF YOU (Excel and Elgala freezes)!!! Thank you.

Hyatt: How will (vomits blood and dies)...

Ilpalazzo: I think she was asking, "How will you locate the Excel Girls?"

Lee: I can't locate them...they're the type of characters that will...

Excel K.: (shows up out of nowhere) Like, hello everyone, I'm Excel Kobayashi...

Mikako: (appears besides Excel K.) ...And I'm Mikako Hyatt.

Excel Girls: We are (does a bunch of cheesy synchronized poses) the Excel Girls!

Excel: What a bunch of poseurs.

Excel K.: At least I'm not old.

Excel: (pissed) What did you say?!

Excel K.: You heard me!

Excel: You bitch (punches Excel K. and then she Power Bombed her and started stomping on her.)!

(A/N: Excel K. is what I'm referring to Excel Kobayashi of the Excel Girls if you haven't figured that out yet.)

Mikako: Like, what's with that ugly spiral you call a hairdo?

Elgala: What's with that Valley Girl Accent?

Mikako: Hey, I like how I (gets puked on by Hyatt who just recently revived)...like, eeeeeeewwwwwww, I'm covered in blood!

Excel K.: (taunts Excel) What are you gonna do about it, Old Maid?

Excel: (pissed) I'll...I'll stab you (brings out a Scimitar) with this sword!

Excel K.: (sarcastic) Yeah right, you don't have the (gets stabbed repeatedly at Excel's hands)...

Excel: (gone psycho) DIE CHARLITIAN DIE (keeps stabbing the faker until she dies)!!!

Mikako: (shocked) EXCEL KOBAYASHI, NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Lee: (snickers)Glad she's gone.

Mikako: (points at Lee) You and Ilpalazzo can both rot in hell!

Lee & Ilpalazzo: (looks at each other and then looks back at Mikako) You'llget there way before we do (Ilpalazzo pulls the rope).

Mikako: YOU BASTAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRDS!!!

Lee: (stands over the pit, eyes glowing red) Die Mikako (fires an energy shot from his Trigger Finger and the shot goes through Mikako's heart. Three seconds later she landed on a bed of spikes and died.).

(2 minutes later)

Excel: Did they get the message?

Lee: Yeah they got it.

(In the anime universe)

A. Excel: Ha-chan, look at this!

A. Hyatt: (sees the dismembered bodies of the Excel Girls) Senior there's a note.

A. Excel: (reads the note, which says, "Your imposters are dead for good.") ALRIGHT!!!

A. Hyatt: NO MORE...(coughs up blood and dies)

(Back at the Manga universe)

Hyatt: It's finally (dies again)...

Elgala: ...over.

Excel: Yeah, we did it. We won! They never stood a chance! They got spanked, whooped, shut out, annihilated, violated (Lee pulls the rope and Excel falls), AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Lee: You forgot that they got stabbed, gored and dismembered, Mortal Kombat style...well except for the stabbing.

Ilpalazzo: Nice job everyone, the meeting is adjourned I'll see you all tomorrow.

Excel (climbs out of the hole, beat up) See you tomorrow my Lord!

Lee: Well I'm outta here. _I need to set up that cannon._

To Be Concluded...

Antics: Spoiled Girls with Cars

Elgala: I, Elgala would like to know why we are at the parking lot outside of your University?

Lee: First of all, this University is not mine...I just go here.

Elgala: But why are we here?

Excel: Yeah, and what's the deal with the knife and the steel bat?

Lee: THAT is the reason (points to a car with the license frame that says, "My car, Daddy's Payments")!

Hyatt: Do you have something against that person?

Lee: No, I just hate it when someone puts something like that on the frame of the License Plate. It says, "Look at me I'm spoiled. My daddy can give me anything I want because I'm his princess."

Excel: What are you gonna do?

Lee: This (slashed the tires)!

Hyatt: How about this one (points to a car that says, "Daddy bought it, but I got it")?

Lee: (pissed) That's the one (slashes the tires and starts bashing the car like in the movie, "Barbershop"). Hey hold on (Sees a picture of a girl he knew from when he was 12. She was the same girl that picked on him and called him "weak" and she teased him because he was skinny. Lee looks at the picture and became even more furious.). AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! YOU BITCH, IF I EVER FIND YOU I WILL KIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLL YYYYYOOOOOOOUUUUU (destroys the mirror, bashes the windshield, etc.)!!!

Excel: What's wrong?

Lee: (still angry) That girl...if her daddy can afford a Lexus then he can afford to pay for it (kicks the car a few times)! Let's go (they got in Lee's truck and left the messed up cars behind). _That was personal!_

(Three hours later the owner of the bashed up Lexus, freaked out at the damage and fainted. The owner of the car with the slashed tires tried to drive home, but she swerved out of control and hit a Big Rig...don't worry she was unharmed.)

Lee3: That's it for "Anime Hell" and stay tuned for the most clichéd plan ever in the next and final chapter.

Elgala: It involves a (Lee3 knocks her out with the sign)...

Lee3: No more blurting out plots! Anyway review, flame...whatever. I'm gonna go watch "The Naked Gun". See ya one more time!


	8. The Most Chliched Plan Ever

Lee3: (playing Soul Caliber 2) This Weapons Master mode rocks!

Elgala: (stands in front of the TV) Hello.

Lee3: What do you want Kasumi?

Elgala: (seductively) You.

Lee3: (stoic) Oh.

Elgala: Oh, what are you gay?!

Lee3: No, I am not interested in you, but Ilpalazzo is.

Elgala: Really, is he interested in me, Elgala?!

Lee3: That's right Kasumi, now go and brag to Excel.

Elgala: I, Elgala will do just that (departs)!

Hanku: (appears out of nowhere) Was what you said to that girl true?

Lee3: No. In fact, she will get beat up by Excel right about…now (hears Excel yelling and Elgala screaming as she got beat up by her senior officer.).

Hanku: (stoic) Disclaimer?

Lee3: Oh yeah, I better start on that. I don't own Excel-Saga or Hanku…you know what? You guys should know by now so let's RUN THIS SHIT ONE MORE TIME!!!!

The Most Clichéd Plan Ever

Excel & Elgala: HAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLL ILPALAZZO!!!

Hyatt: zzo.

Lee: WAZZZZZZZZZZZUUUUUUUUUP!!!

Ilpalazzo: Good morning to you all. Lee, is that…

Lee: Yep, and it's charging now.

Excel: Lord Ilpalazzo, can you explain this big plan that is so important that we had to be here at three in the morning?

Ilpalazzo: I'm getting to that, but I would like to say that Lee and I came up with this plan.

Elgala: Well what is it?

Lee: It is…A GIANT LASER CANNON (Ilpalazzo shows the Laser Cannon on screen)!!! This thing will fire one big powerful laser straight into space, afterwards the laser will split into a bunch of other lasers and head straight back to Earth hitting various targets that I command it to strike.

Excel: Um…isn't that the most clichéd plan ever devised?

Lee: (getting irritated) Is there a problem, with our idea Excel?

Excel: Well yeah, that plan has been done to death.

Lee: Yeah well so has this bit (pulls the rope and Excel falls).

Excel: I'M SOOOOOOOOORRRRRYYYYYYYY!!!

Lee: TOO LATE MORON!!!

Hyatt: When does this plan occur?

Lee: This afternoon, the laser takes a long time to charge up.

Ilpalazzo: Why don't you use your powers to charge the laser cannon?

Lee: The charge time IS with the powers. Besides, I need time for my Ultra Pinch to get into position.

Ilpalazzo: Didn't you already have a Pinch in the sewer?

Lee: Yes, that is the main one, but my Ultra Pinch, which is my reserve Pinch is arriving from the air and won't arrive until this afternoon. This is just in case the main one is incapacitated.

Hyatt: Um, what is a Pinch anyway?

(A/N: If you haven't seen the Ocean's Eleven remake you probably won't know what I'm talking about.)

Lee: A Pinch can shut down any power source within range…like a nuclear weapon it shuts down any power source within its blast radius.

Excel: (climbs out of the pit) ARE YOU SAYING THAT BOTH OF YOUR PINCHES ARE NUCLEAR BOMBS?!

Lee: (smirks) No, what I am saying is that a Pinch is like a nuclear bomb minus the mass destruction and death.

Ilpalazzo: Are you sure that you main Pinch can knockout an entire city?

Lee: Yeah, the main Pinch is the biggest one in my dimension. It was in the California Institute of Advanced Science…before I jacked it. I did create my Ultra Pinch and it's a bigger badder version of the main one.

Excel: What do we do now?

Lee: We wait.

Hyatt: What about when it's time for the laser to fire?

Lee: The Pinch should be enough of a distraction for the City Security Shit-heads. All I need is you, Excel and Elgala with me.

Elgala: _All right maybe during that time I can tell Lee that I wanna…_

Lee: Hello, I'm right here, I can hear everything that you are saying.

Elgala: WHAT (Ilpalazzo pulls the rope and Elgala falls)?!

Ilpalazzo: The Hyper Cannon should fire at 12:00pm.

Lee: Hyper Cannon is the code name for the gun.

Excel: Does this mean we are free until then?

Ilpalazzo: Yes.

Excel: ALRIGHT!!!

(For the next seven hours Excel, Hyatt and Elgala slept and then they went to the store. After they dropped off the food they had to report back to Headquarters to wait for Lee's report. Basically, he watched TV while monitoring the Hyper Cannon charging up and waiting for the Ultra Pinch to arrive in at 11:00am. Now it's 10:00am and the Department of City Security Staff are standing in front of an abandon building with a demolition crew about to blow it up.)

Watanabe: Someone please tell me why we are here?

Matsuya: We are here to make sure nothing goes wrong with the demolition.

Watanabe: What could possibly go wrong? The Demolition Crew is here and so are the "Do Not Cross" tapes, so who would be STUPID ENOUGH to go get too close to the building?

Sumiyoshi: Iwata.

Watanabe: True, but he is getting a new body worked on right now.

Sumiyoshi: I almost forgot about that.

Kabapu: (over the megaphone) DEMOLITION IN FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE (one of the workers pushes the Demolition T and the building explodes)!!!

(At the Apartment)

Lee: (watching TV) Hey, is that the abandoned building I put that Pinch under (watches the building crumble after the explosions went off)? It is that same building.

IRIS: Pinch destroyed.

Lee: (shocked) WHAT?! Shit, what else can go wrong (the power goes off)? Goddammit (teleports)!

(In the sewers under the now destroyed building)

Lee: (sees his Pinch obliterated by parts of the ceiling) Fuck, my Pinch is destroyed (overhears two Electricians talk about how the main line was destroyed.). The Hyper Cannon was hooked to that line…if there is no power going to then cannon then it will gradually lose power. I've got to report to Ilpalazzo.

(At Headquarters)

Ilpalazzo: He's late.

Excel: Are you gonna purge him?

Ilpalazzo: No, because if he is not making a report then it means that everything is going smoothly.

Elgala: So, what you are saying is that Lee was to report anything that went wrong with the Hyper Cannon?

Ilpalazzo: Yes.

Excel: (ecstatic) YAAAAAAAAAAYYYY, THAT MEANS THAT WE WILL HAVE THIS CITY CONQUERED BY NOON!!!

Hyatt: I'm so happy Senior!

Elgala: Woohoo!

(The three girls did a victory dance when Lee came through the door.)

Lee: (frustrated) Don't be celebrating yet girls!

Hyatt: What's going on?

Lee: We're in deep shit!

Ilpalazzo: Elaborate.

Lee: The Demolition Crew took out the main Electric Line!

Ilpalazzo: What?

Lee: You heard me. They did what I was gonna do when the Hyper Cannon fired, only they did it by accident. Now they know their fuck up and they're rectifying it!

Elgala: What about that thing.

Lee: The Pinch? A huge chunk of the ceiling fell on it and destroyed it and my backup won't arrive in 30 minutes!

Ilpalazzo: What about the cannon.

Lee: I put the cannon a few miles behind the building…now it's exposed and without the power running it will lose power.

Ilpalazzo: It's 11:00 now. When your backup arrives can you get it running in 30 minutes?

Lee: (thinks for a minute) Yes I can. I also have a plan. We're cutting it close, but it should work and I need Excel, Hyatt and Elgala to pull this off.

Excel: What do we need to do?

Lee: First, I will go to the cannon to prevent further power loss by charging it with my powers. Since it will be a matter of time before the authorities find it I need you three to create a diversion. Do something that will get the citizen's and the authorities' attention, JUST BE SURE THAT YOU CAN ESCAPE!!!! Oh and keep them away from the cannon.

Excel, Elgala & Hyatt: Okay (Hyatt dies).

Lee: _This could be a problem._

(At the Hyper Cannon: Time to Fire: 31 minutes)

Lee: (hands Excel a Time-bomb set at T-5minutes) Hurry, take that bomb and place it as far away as you can.

Excel: Where do you want it?

Lee: I don't care where you put just keep it away from this gun!

Elgala: _Seeing Lee's plan in action makes Elgala…_

Lee: THERE'S NO TIME FOR THINKING ALOUD, NOW GET MOVING THE TIMER IS RUNNING!!!

Excel: Got it (both she and Elgala takes off while carrying Hyatt)!

Lee: (starts using his powers to charge the cannon) If it wasn't for the black box Excel, Hyatt and Elgala retrieved back in the beginning the cannon would have lost power a lot more power…I should thank them later.

(Five miles from the cannon)

Elgala: How much time do we have?

Excel: One minute.

Elgala: There is no time left, just plant the bomb!

Excel: (places the bomb on a jail wall) LET'S GET OUTTA HERE (they bail)!!!

Elgala: Where to?

Excel: (sees an open manhole) HEAD FOR THE SEWER (dives into the manhole while carrying Hyatt)!!!

Elgala: _This is exciting and OH SHIT THE BOMB IS ABOUT TO BLOW!!!_

Excel: MOVE YOUR ASS BITCH (Elgala jumps into the manhole before the bomb explodes)!!!

(Back at the Hyper Cannon)

Lee: (sees the Ultra Pinch arriving) Yeah, this is perfect (the Ultra Pinch lands and Lee starts hooking it up to the Hyper Cannon)! Now that the Ultra Pinch is being used as a generator, I can finish hooking up everything else for the operation (hears the bomb go off). Hmm, it detonated sooner than it was supposed to.

(At the Civil Service Office)

Watanabe: We just got back and now we have to go out AGAIN?!

Matsuya: An explosion occurred five miles away from a giant laser cannon.

Sumiyoshi: What can we do about that?

Watanabe: Investigate I suppose.

Matsuya: Let's get this over with.

Roppanmatsu 2: Let's do it!

Matsuya: I really want to get this over with.

(Back at the Hyper Cannon: Time to Fire: 5 minutes)

Lee: What are you three doing back here?

Hyatt: (revives) Did we win?

Excel: No, we still have time left.

Lee: Well everything is hooked up now and the Hyper Cannon is charged up now. All I have to do is push that red button with the Skull & Crossbones on it.

Elgala: This is wonderful, now I, Elgala will witness city conquest at work.

Lee: Why do you always do that?

Elgala: Do what?

Lee: That thing with the I, Elgala/Kasumi all the time?

Elgala: I don't do that.

Lee: Yes, you do.

Excel: I have noticed that too.

Elgala: I don't talk like that!

Lee & Excel: YES YOU DO!!!

Hyatt: Seniors, who is that over there?

Lee: (looks through binoculars) Shit, those Security Retards are almost here.

Excel: We'll get them!

Lee: No, I'll just fire the cannon early (pushes the button and the cannon is about to fire). Yes, yes, it's working perfectly (sparks start flying and the cannon starts acting erratic). What the hell is going on? IRIS, what's wrong?

IRIS: The Hyper Cannon is a DC unit.

Lee: So?!

IRIS: It is running on an AC current from the Ultra Pinch. Remember that one "Jetsons" episode.

Lee: Oh shit.

Hyatt: What will happen?

Lee: Either the cannon will fire or it will explode.

Elgala: That is not good.

Lee: If this fails I would like to say…we had a good run (the cannon fires). SWEET IT WORKS!!!

Excel: WE DID IT!!!

Hyatt: WAY TO (vomits blood and is barely survives)…

Elgala: WE WOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNN!!!

(A mile away from Ground Zero)

Sumiyoshi: We failed.

Watanabe: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH, WE'RE GONNA DIE right?

Matsuya: (stoic) Oh yeah.

Watanabe: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

Matsuya: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN LAID YET…not that I care.

(The Laser went into space bounced off a satellite and was heading back to its point of origin.)

Lee: (looks through telescope) Damn, the laser bounced off a U.S. satellite and is coming back here!

Excel: Isn't that what it's supposed to do?

Lee: It was supposed to split when it got a certain distance, the satellite must have been at the right place at the wrong time. Once again the United States bails out one of their allies without even trying.

Excel, Hyatt & Elgala: Are we screwed?

Lee: Royally…AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Excel: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

Hyatt: AAAAAAAA(dies)…

Elgala: OH MY GOD, SENIOR HYATT IS DEAD AGAIN!!!

Excel & Lee: WHO THE FUCK CARES (the laser hits its mark and a huge explosion occurs sending Team ACROSS in different directions)?!!!

Lee: (pissed) STUPID SATELLITE (a portal opens and Lee flies uncontrollably through it)!!!

Excel: HA-CHAN!!!

Hyatt: (revives) Did we win Senior?

Excel: NO!!!

Elgala: _Lord Ilpalazzo will be furious with us!_

Excel: (sarcastic) OH REALLY, YOU THINK?!

(Back at Headquarters)

Ilpalazzo: (watching the failure) Lee has failed…oh well at least we tried and the girls were at the peak of their best.

(Meanwhile in another dimension)

Lee: (plummets and hits the asphalt) Ow that really hurt (gets up and looks at his surroundings). What am I gonna do now (watch starts beeping)? What's up IRIS?

IRIS: You have another mission in this dimension.

Lee: What is it?

IRIS: Take care of the short brown haired girl 20 feet to your left.

Lee: (looks at the girl who is walking with a blue haired girl who is obviously her best friend) What the hell…is that…

IRIS: That's right, Poemi Watanabe.

Lee: (frustrated) WHERE THE HELL AM I!!!

(Back at Headquarters)

Ilpalazzo: What is your report?

Excel: We failed sir.

Ilpalazzo: Tell me something I don't know (pulls the rope and Excel and Elgala fell).

Excel & Elgala: YOU KNEW?!

Ilpalazzo: I knew.

Excel & Elgala: THIS SSSUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKSSSSSSS!!!

The End?

Warning: The following Antics short is political to the point where political figures get beat up and a possible epiphany from the self-insert. If you are really, really, ultra patriotic and conservative and can't take a joke and can't tell that I am joking…you suck balls. By the way I don't own Rush Limbaugh or any of the Political figures that may appear in this short…not like they're reading this anyway.

Antics: Gone Political

(Washington D.C., the nation's capital where the president resides. It also has the highest murder and crime rate. Right now it's peaceful…unless you're near the White House.)

Lee: (riding through the White House on a motorcycle) HELL YEAH!!! FUCK THE REPUBLICANS (stops right in front of George W. Bush)!!! Well look who it is. It's the guy who abandoned my home state during the energy crisis. _Even though I think it was planned by PG&E…cheap bastards._

Bush: Let me guess…TV made you do this.

Lee: Oh, that's really nice coming from the guy who spelled potato wrong! Don't you need to find Osama or Weapons of Mass Destruction or piss off the world even more (rides towards Bush)?

Bush: What are you doing?

Lee: (busts out a steel bat) THIS ASSHOLE (whacks him with the bat rendering him unconscious)!!! I've always wanted to do that (rides through the back window and stops the bike). Where is my backup?!

(A Monster Truck jumps over the White House and lands in front of Lee who loads the bike onto the truck.)

Excel: (at the wheel) YEAH, THIS IS FUN!!!

Lee: (gets into the driver's seat) Move over Excel, You've done enough driving for one day (starts doing donuts around the backyard and he sees John Kerry just outside of the donuts Lee was doing).

John Kerry: What the hell is going on here?

Lee: Shut up you emotionless old bastard (gives him the finger)!

John Kerry: Real mature of you.

Excel: SHUT UP SHIT-HEAD (throws an anvil that makes contact with the former Democratic Candidate knocking him out.)!!!

(Lee stopped doing donuts and drives off.)

Excel: Hey, how come we didn't go after Howard Dean?

Lee: Well Excel, it's bad enough that a two second sound bite cost him everything. Now, out of watching politics what have you learned?

Excel: That you can freeze during one debate, act like a dumb-ass during the second one and literally drool during the third and still get reelected.

Lee: And?

Excel: Showing emotion scares the American people.

Lee: One more thing.

Excel: That a lot of Americans are more afraid of gays than their own soldiers dying in another country.

Lee: Exactly (runs over Conservative Talk Radio Personality Rush Limbaugh).

Excel: Who was that?

Lee: Just some stupid fat guy who thinks he knows everything.

Excel: (nonchalant) Oh is that all? Okay.

Lee3:That short was a jokeso don't take any of that seriously (stares at the pissed off conservative readers). What none of you guys have ever done that before?

Hanku: (points an AK47 at Lee3) Remember this?

Lee3: Oh bloody hell (points into the opposite direction)…LOOK SOMEONE IS LITTERING!!!

Hanku: (turns around) Where?!

Lee3: (hauls ass) SUCKER!!!

Hanku: GET BACK HERE (chases Lee and starts shooting)!!!

Lee3: You got Tex, I got pranks (pulls out a remote control and pushes the button and Hanku falls into a hole)!

Hanku: DAMMIT!!!

Lee3: SORRY DUDE!!! I better end this thing quick (the ground explodes from beneath him sending him flying twenty feet and he lands on his feet.)! Review, flame I don't give a shit at this point!

Hanku: Incoming (takes aim)!

Lee3: (pulls out an M-80) See ya guys next time…if I survive this shootout (both of them shoot each other)!


	9. The Stupid Epilogue

Hanku: (looks around) Well the last Chapter of Crazy-Ass Saga is done.

Lee3: (appears out of nowhere) Ha, did you really think I would end this fic this early?

Hanku: Well, how many more chapters are there?

Lee3: This is the last one.

Hanku: I thought the previous chapter was the last one?

Lee3: Like the Anime Excel-Saga I'm doing an Epilogue chapter that makes no sense whatsoever.

Excel: (appears out of nowhere) Start the disclaimer!

Lee3: I don't…aww figure it out. Excel?

Excel: Yes (Lee pulls the rope and she falls into the pit)? WHY?!

Lee3: FOR TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!!! RUN IT!!!

The Stupid Epilogue

Excel & Elgala: HAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIILLLLLLL ILPALAZZO!!!

Hyatt: zzo.

Lee: Yo.

Excel: Hey, how did you get back here?

Lee: The main story is over so the Plot doesn't apply here.

Ilpalazzo: True. Anyway, I'm giving you guys the day off.

Excel & Elgala: But what about…

Lee: Rome wasn't built in a day…let's go (departs).

Excel: But what about (Lee & Ilpalazzo pull two separate ropes and Excel, Elgala and Hyatt fell into the pit)…AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

(At the Apartment)

Elgala: So, because the main plot is over the author put you back in this chapter for comedic purposes?

Lee: (frustrated) For the last time, YES!!! Damn, Excel got the message after the 5th time I explained it…WHY IS IT TAKING YOU LONGER?!

Elgala: (smiles) I don't know.

Excel: You don't know much of anything!

Lee: Neither do you.

Excel: I know that!

Hyatt: Um…Senior?

Excel: What is it (sees Hyatt in the worst shape ever) HOLY T-CAKES!!!

Lee & Elgala: Did you just say "Holy T-cakes"?

Excel: …Sorry about that (Hyatt vomits a lot more blood than usual and then dies).

Elgala: (trembles at the sight of so much blood) _So…much…blood…everywhere._

Lee: (stoic) You all do know that if the cops ever saw this we could get arrested.

Excel: Unless Hyatt got up.

Lee: I guess that's true (see Elgala freaking out). Are you okay Kasumi?

Elgala: I'm…fine (faints).

Excel: Great, now we have a fainter.

????: (speaking through a megaphone from outside the apartment) Yo Lee, your momma's ass is so big that when she sits down she's three feet taller!

Lee: (quizzical) What the hell is going on outside?

Excel: (looks out the window) There's some guy outside with a megaphone (Lee rushes towards the window).

Lee: Oh, I know who that is…watch this (teleports a 1 ton anvil over the guy's head).

????: Your momma's so fat her belt size is…(the anvil falls on his head) OOOWWWWWWW!!! DAMMIT THAT HURT!!!

Lee: (laughing) That jackass wasn't expecting that!

Excel: (laughing as well) No kidding.

????: (pissed) Laugh at me will you (takes out a remote control from his pocket)? Then take this (pushes the button)!

Elgala: (wakes up) What's going on?

Excel: Lee just teleported an…a…

Lee: Anvil.

Excel: Anvil on some asshole's head (gets ejected by part of the floor) AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Elgala: What just happened?

Lee: Quite simple Kasumi Munakata, the kid knew that I was going to look out the window when he made those tired-ass "Yo Momma" jokes. So while we were out earlier today he rigged the floor with an Ejector Platform! Unfortunately for him he didn't account on Excel standing where I was **supposed** to stand and she fell victim the prank that I love oh so much.

Elgala: _Thank you Sherlock Holmes_.

Lee: You're welcome Kasumi.

Elgala: You heard my thoughts?!

Lee: We all can.

????: Hey, quit ignoring me!

Elgala: FUCK YOU (gives the guy the finger)!!!

????: WHAT? THAT'S IT I'M COMING UP THERE!!!

Lee: Fine with me (two RCP 90s appear, one in each hand).

????: (from two floors down) OUT OF ORDER?! EVEN IN 2004 NOTHING WORKS!!!

Lee: (points the guns at the door) He's coming up the stairs. _The Elevator doesn't work?_

Elgala: Are we in danger?

Lee: No, it's just harmless fun between us guys…where's Mince?

Elgala: Mince (Mince falls from the hole in the hole Excel made)? Oh there you are…hmm nothing seems to be bruised or broken (Excel lands in front of the still defunct Hyatt).

Excel: Ow.

Lee: _He's right outside._ Stay here you guys.

Excel: Where are we going to go?

(At the other side of the door)

????: _Lee is on the other side waiting for me…better get ready._ (Brings out an SG5 Commando)

(A/N: Just for the record I have never played 007: Nightfire. I have played Goldeneye and that's it. I'm assuming that the SG5 Commando is an automatic weapon.)

(Back in the room)

Lee: BUSTED (starts shoot at the door knowing that the bullets were armor piercing)!!!

????: OOOOOWW!!

Lee: Gotcha (opens the two find the kid lying on the ground)…wait a second…it's too easy.

????: Jackass (gets up and starts shooting like crazy)!

Lee: (gets shot several times) DAMMIT!!!

????: (reloads the gun) I knew I should have put more than 50 bullets in this thing (Lee's tail wraps around his neck)! Oh shit (gets thrown into the wall behind Lee and then he was thrown out the window)! Crap!

Lee: (jumps out the same window and starts shooting) Eat this you bastard!

????: (hits the ground and rolls away before the bullets made contact) Talk about close.

Lee: (Lands and gets in a few more shots that made contact before the guns ran out of ammo.) Guns can only do so much (throws the guns into a dimensional pocket and got into a fighting stance).

????: (points his gun at his opponent) Too bad you're out of…(Lee fires an energy blast that destroys the gun) ammo (gets into a fighting stance).

(At the Department of City Security)

Iwata: (in a Power Rangers-like costume) Hey guys!

Matsuya: Iwata, why are you in that ridiculous getup?

Iwata: I don't know, I guess the author is having a crazy day.

Watanabe: Especially, since this doesn't happen until volume 9 in the manga!

Iwata: So? I don't care because I'm no longer in that Roppanmatsu body.

Matsuya: I think we are all happy about that.

Sumiyoshi: Does the fact that we don't even have the right to die disturb everyone?

Watanabe: WHAT DO YOU THINK?!

Sumiyoshi: Yes.

(Back at the Apartment)

Lee: I knew it was you the whole time…Hanku.

Hanku: Well then…shall we fight?

Lee: I don't care.

(Michelle from "Read or Die the TV" appears out of nowhere.)

Michelle: (acts all Sailor Moonish) You guys are friends and you must never fight against each other.

Lee: I thought I told you to where a bra next time. In fact, what are you doing here?

Michelle: I don't know.

Hanku: Why did you tell her to wear a bra?

Lee: Because her tits kept flopping around every time she made any form of movement.

Hanku: Oh.

Michelle: (points a paper bow & arrow at both Lee and Hanku) What did you say?!

Lee: I'm tired of this shit (disappears and reappears behind Michelle). I'm gonna love this (claws extend from hiswrists and he stabbed Michelle in the back and threw her straight up in the air). Finish her.

Hanku: Got it (fires and energy blast at the dying Paper Master, thus killing her).

Elgala: Hey guys they're showing anime porn on TV!

Lee & Hanku: Decent (both head for the apartment).

(Headquarters)

Ilpalazzo: (reading a magazine) Hmm, visually appealing. I think I'll pull the rope for no good reason (pulls it).

(At the apartment)

Lee: (watching TV with everyone else) I call this porno with a plot.

Hanku: In a way all pornos have plots.

Lee: I'm talking about a plot OTHER THAN mindless sex.

Hyatt: (revives) Is it morning yet?

Excel: No, it's just the same boring day.

Elgala: I wish something would happen.

Lee: What about the shootout Hanku and I had just now?

Excel: We've been through that before.

Elgala: I haven't.

Hyatt: I was in a fire.

Excel: (shudders) Don't remind me.

Hanku: I think the author is about to end this fic once and for all.

Lee: Is that true Author?

Lee3: (as a voice over) Yep, isn't being the author cool?

Lee: Was comedy all I was good for?

Lee3: Yep.

Hanku: Damn, you suck.

Lee: I know.

(Excel and Elgala fall through the floor.)

Excel & Elgala: WHY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!

The End…Seriously

Antics: Q & A

Excel: Why did you bring Hanku into this story?

Lee3: Like Lee said, the main story was already over…this was just a silly Epilogue.

Hyatt: Why (vomits a shit-load of blood and dies)…

Lee3: (annoyed) I got a question: Why does Hyatt die all the time?

Excel: You're asking us?

Hanku: Why didn't the cool fight scene take place?

Lee3: I was lazy…give me a break I just had my Geology final.

Elgala: Why is Senior Excel so mean?

Lee3: Because you're a dumbass…this Q & A is over.

Antics: Realization

(The following Antics short is a parody of Afro Man's "Because I Got High". The song is called "Because I Realized"…enjoy.)

Lee: _I was gonna clean my room, before I realized_

_I was gonna get up and get the vacuum, but I realized_

_That I didn't feel like it and I know why, yeah because I realized, because I _

_realized, because I realized, la da da da da da da_

Excel: _I was gonna go for a drive, before I realized_

_I was gonna steal a car and go overdrive, but I realized_

_I don't know how to drive and I know why, yeah because I realized, because I _

_Realized, because I realized, la da da da da da da_

Hyatt: _I was gonna try not to die, before I realized_

_I was gonna put up a good fight, but I realized_

_I'm dying anyway and I know why, yeah because I realized, because I realized, _

_because I realized, la da da da da da da_

Elgala: _I was gonna stop thinking aloud before I realized_

_My thought were heard all around, but I realized_

_That wasn't gonna happen and I know why, yeah because I realized, because I _

_Realized, because I realized, la da da da da da da_

Lee: _We should stop singing this song because we realized_

_This fic is so fucking wrong and I realized_

_If I get my ass reported I'll know why, yeah because I realized, because I realized, because I realized, la da da da da da da_

_Osama was never gonna get caught before I realized_

_We telegraphed every move and I realized_

_If it takes another five years I'll know why yeah, because I realized, because I realized, because I realized, la da da da da da da da _

_La da da da da da da da da da da_

Excel: We have realized a lot of shit guys.

Hanku: Get jiggy wit it _skippy…_how was it supposed to go?

Lee: Scat ain't for you man.

Hyatt: I think I'm gonna…(vomits blood and die)

Elgala: NOT AGAIN!!!

Lee: _My name is Lee and I'm from Bakersfield_

_It's nowhere near beaches or anything that is cool_

_Conservatives out of the fuckit allup_

_No wonder the kids want to get the fuck out_

Hanku: This chapter made no sense.

Lee: Better to end this shit now.

Lee3: Crazy-ass Saga is done…not that many of you were reading this anyway. I'm done with finals and College until January. Review, flame, email me, whatever.

Special Thanks:

Hanku- Thanks for the reviews. They're really uplifting and they still remain funny. If I got that gun wrong I'm sorry. I hope you're not mad that I put you in this silly-ass Epilogue. I must have had that SG5 Commando thing stuck in my head at the time. Throw in a little dementedness. Besides, the main story was already over.

Until Next Time.


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